Friday, September 18, 2009

"Rahm 'Em Good" Insurance Company

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced today that he is stepping down from his position in the Obama administration to start an insurance company where he can "make obscene profits" by rejecting customers for ridiculous reasons.

Emanuel told reporters in the White House briefing room that he had assembled a business plan which included denying applications for insurance based on hangnails, coffee-stained teeth, bad haircuts, and poor taste in fashion. "We pretty much had a reason to refuse to cover anyone, and if none of our reasons fit, we could just borrow some from Obama speeches."

When reporters asked how he planned to make money with such a scheme, Emanuel recounted an example: "A single mom from near Ohio applied for insurance, and we rejected her application because she misspelled 'dandruff' on her medical history form. We made a killing on that one."

Emanuel explained that his job at the White House was getting increasingly difficult, as he had to simultaneously vilify insurance companies and make the case that government should mandate the purchase of insurance, so when he saw a chance to profit from excess, heartlessness, and greed, he jumped at it.

"We're in the midst of a real health-care crisis," Emanual said, "You should never waste a good crisis."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

National Crisis

America faces a dire national crisis today, as reports from the White House indicate that President Barack Obama's teleprompter is broken.

Panic is spreading through the halls of public schools, as students, parents, and teachers grapple with the daunting challenge of excelling in education without being motivated by the dulcet tones of Obama's voice, resolved to their fate of remaining in the malaise of mediocrity until the President can speak the words which will lift them to their glorious potential.

Men and women in line at the unemployment offices shuffled their feet and hunkered down for another night without "hope" and "change" to fill their hungry stomachs.

Congress remained in a hopeless logjam as Democrats could not agree with each other about how to nationalize the medical industry, after Obama's speech to the joint session of Congress was put on hold. The American public, broadly opposed to Obama's plan, was unable to hear the President "flesh out the details of his vision" for taking over the medical system, a task he had failed to accomplish in 117 previous speeches on medical reform. Surely he needed just one more speech.

The oceans continued to rise and the polar bears clung to their shrinking chunks of ice, listening for the voice which would command the waves and the winds.

Suicide bombers in the Middle East continued to prepare for the day when they would strap explosive belts to their bodies and blow themselves and as many bystanders as possible to oblivion, unable to hear the soothing message of reconciliation which would rally all nations to unite behind our charasmatic leader, Barack Obama.

The nation, and yes, the world, waited in breathless anticipation for the voice which by it's mere tone and cadence would save humanity and usher in a new Utopia on earth, as the President's teleprompter sat in a union shop waiting to be repaired and returned to duty, telling the President what he thinks today.

Monday, August 24, 2009

White House sets up interrogation unit

Today an Obama spokesman announced the establishment of a new interrogation unit to be run under direct supervision of the White House.

Can't you SMELL the fear from al Qaida?

Attorney General Eric Holder said that the toughest question they plan to ask captured terrorists is "What kind of beer do you like?"

Since the War on Terror is over, it is unclear exactly who will be interrogated in this new unit. No word yet on whether people voicing opposition to the President's takeover of the medical system will receive higher priority than our soldiers or Donald Rumsfeld.

Monday, August 17, 2009

White House falling behind

A study recently released by Pear Analytics found that forty percent of the traffic on Twitter consists of "pointless babble" such as "I am having a sandwich". Only 8.7 percent of "Tweets" were found to have "pass-along value". Self-promotion made up 5.9 percent of the content, and spam only 3.8 percent.

This news gave rise to concern that White House press conferences are falling behind the curve. One member of the White House Press Corps said "We might have to switch to Twitter for our news. Here in the Press Briefing Room we only dream of getting pointless babble down to a mere 40%, and a real item with pass-along value has yet to be seen. As for self-promotion, that's every single word we get here."

The New York Times issued a rambling statement suggesting that the much higher signal to noise ratio of the alternative media might be responsible for the Times' slide into obscurity.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Police Profiling

President Obama launched legislation today making it a crime to profile police officers as racist simply for being law enforcement officers, requiring instead that charges of racism be based on behavior and fact.

Appearing at Duke's lacrosse field with Jeremiah Wright, the rabidly racist pastor of the church Obama attended for twenty years, the President laid out the case for this new legislation, saying "We recognize that it is wrong to assume that a citizen is a criminal simply because of the color of their skin, which is why the Supreme Court has ruled that police officers may not stop people solely based on their race. Today we are standing up to say that no one, from the President of the United States to a Harvard professor to that professor's students to a gangbanger on the street corner should assume that a police officer is racist just because they are wearing the uniform and doing their job."

The President did not directly mention the controversy swirling around the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Gates for disorderly conduct by three Cambridge police officers and the charges of racial profiling against the one officer who happened to be white.

Obama went on to explain that "It would be wrong for the President to impune the police as stupid racists without knowing the facts of the case, because that sends the message to young people that it is acceptable to disrespect police officers and that we will treat anyone who resists the police as a hero victim."

The President concluded by saying that "I hope this situation will be a teachable moment which will help people to understand the thankless job performed by our brave law enforcement officers each and every day, so that fewer Americas will walk around with a chip on their shoulder because 'As always, whitey now sits in judgment of me, preparing to cast my fate.'"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Obama plan offers universal access

President Obama took the case for his government takeover of the medical industry to the people today, promising that he would guarantee universal access to waiting lists.

The President, reading from the teleprompter in his new office at GM headquarters, said "Opponents of this reform will tell you that we can't give equal access to everyone and that therefore we should settle for a broken system which denies access to millions of Americans. But my plan assures that all people, regardless of their race, religion, gender, age, union membership, income, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, and political affiliation will have equal access to waiting lists for medical care."

Obama, who has often repeated the claim that no one will be forced to give up their private insurance to join the government medical bureaucracy, responded to the objection that page 16 of the 1,084-page bill contains a provision making individual private medical insurance illegal by saying that "I am not that familiar with the House bill that I have been pitching for weeks."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Richard Daley elected President of Iran

The Iranian High Council continued to deny that fraud had affected the result of the elections held nine days ago, announcing that a recount had determined that Richard Daley has been elected President of Iran.

American President Barack Hussein Obama claimed credit for the outcome, pointing to millions of stimulus dollars which funded A.C.O.R.N.'s get out the vote effort in Iran. The effectiveness of that campaign was proven when Abbas Ali Kadkhodaei, spokesman for the Iranian Guardian Council, pointed out that "Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities, are not accurate – the incident has happened in only 50 cities".

Thursday, June 18, 2009

He's done it now

President Obama opened a gapping rift between himself and his core support group on Tuesday when he swatted a house fly during an interview with CNBC's John Harwood.

The White House was quick to claim credit for the President's first military victory, saying "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel was quick to point out the contract between the President's decisive action against the fly and his deference to foreign dictators, whether it be bowing to the Saudi king, exchanging gifts with anti-American thug Hugo Chavez, ignoring North Korean aggression, refusing to condemn a rigged election in Iran due to America's "history of meddling", or apologizing for America to Cuban tyrant Castro. "The President knows when to get tough," Emanuel told reporters.

However, PETA was quick to jump on the offense against the innocent animal, saying "We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals. We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

PETA spokesman
Bruce Friedrich also sent a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher to the White House, so that the President of the United States can catch flies and safely release them outside.

An outraged mob quickly formed outside of the White House gates, demanding that the President be prosecuted for harming a fly. A spokesperson for the group told reporters that "Obama has done many things right. He poured trillions of dollars into liberal special interest groups to pay off those of us who got him elected. He nationalized huge industries and installed himself as head of GM. He increased the deficit to four times the size it had ever been. He granted rights to foreign terrorists usually reserved for US citizens. He put a tax cheat in charge of the IRS. Singlehandedly Obama has orchestrated the biggest move towards socialism in American history. But we can't overlook his treatment of a fly. How can we have equality if flies can arbitrarily be murdered. What has the left come to if insects no longer have more protection than unborn babies?"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Saving us all

Less than a day after President Obama claimed that his economic recovery plan is working, in spite of a higher-than-expected jump in unemployment, by claiming to have "saved or created 150,000 jobs", the President has also claimed victory for his little-known "Alien Abduction Prevention Program". The program, which beams radio signals into space carrying the dulcet tones of Obama's voice intoning calming platitudes and conciliatory pleas, is responsible for saving nearly three-hundred million Americans from being abducted by aliens, in the past month alone.

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel told reporters, "It just got us thinking. If you are a teacher or a police officer or a nurse and you have not been laid off, Obama gets the credit for saving your job. How many people have not been abducted by aliens? That's a lot of credit we can claim."

Since Obama rammed his massive stimulus bill through Congress with promises that it would prevent unemployment from reaching 8%, the economy has lost 1.6 million jobs and the unemployment rate soared to 9.4%.

Obama, who plans to save 600,000 more jobs in the next three months, is looking into other impressive-sounding but unmeasurable goals to set for his administration. Front runners include a plan to save a million polar bears from the horrors of global warming and a program to save three million Americans from buying American cars.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Great Leap Forward

As fringe communist thugs Chavez and Castro joke that if they are not careful, they'll end up to the right of Obama, American media continue to report that President Barack Obama is governing from the middle. Many are left to wonder "the middle of what?"

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel addressed those questions today when he announced that the President has positioned himself on the ideological spectrum somewhere between Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong. Emanuel assured reporters that "You will find Obama's Five Year Plan to be a Great Leap Forward."

Emanuel rebuffed assertions that Stalin and Mao were poor models for an American president by pointing out that Mao remains very popular in China, where criticizing him is punishable by death.

The administration is still deliberating on what Obama's title will be when he has completed remaking America, but they have narrowed the options to "Komrade Obama" and "Chairman Obama."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Pravda fills niche

Today Russian newspaper Pravda indicated a major shift in policy, abandoning their long-held role as the propaganda branch of the Soviet Socialist Party to fill a vacuum in American media by sounding the alarm at the loss of freedom, democracy, liberty, and capitalism.

A spokesman for the newspaper said that "We just couldn't continue to compete with dozens of American networks and newspapers who stole our schtick."

The first evidence of this dramatic change in editorial stance was a piece titled "American capitalism gone with a whimper."

The article started out with the observation that "It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American decent into Marxism is happening with breath taking speed, against the back drop of a passive, hapless sheeple, excuse me dear reader, I meant people."

The author then proceeds to mock the American people for "the surrender of their freedoms and souls, to the whims of their elites and betters" whose cause he traces to Americans being "dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system based on pop culture, rather then the classics."

He goes on to say that "The final collapse has come with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months has been truly impressive. His spending and money printing has been a record setting, not just in America's short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more then another year, and there is no sign that it will not, America at best will resemble the Wiemar Republic and at worst Zimbabwe."

In short, Pravda is doing the job that America's "free" media neglects by reporting Obama's sweeping transformation of American government and society into a far more oppressive regime than Russian oligarchs were ever able to achieve.

If anyone knows that Marxism is something you "descend into" it is Pravda.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Making policy

Senate Democrats voted to reject President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained the surprise decision, saying, “I would hope that a wise white man with the richness of his experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a Latina woman who has not lived that life. That wisdom, based solely on the color of our skin and the configuration of our chromosomes leads us to reject this nominee.”

When reporters questioned the racist overtones of Reid's remarks, Reid answered, "Of course it's not racist. We're Democrats."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Biden's prediction comes true

Vice President Joe Biden today claimed credit for his October 2008 prediction proving true.

On October 19, 2008 Biden said, "Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking."

Biden, who has been in charge of the "on the job training" of President Obama, points to North Korea's nuclear tests and missile launches as evidence that he was right in suggesting that Obama's weakness would provoke rogue nations to test him.

Biden, the smartest man to ever be VP, predicted that "It's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right" in Obama's response to this "generated crisis." As predicted, Obama's abject apology to Kim Yong-il brought loud protests from Americans who don't agree that "American aggression" is to blame for Korea's provocations.

Biden went on to predict that "No one will question the man's mettle." Today, Joe Biden, speaking from the doorway of his top-secret bunker in the Naval Observatory, told reporters that "Again I am right. There's no question that Obama's a pansy."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Obama attacks "Failed policies"

President Obama launched a campaign last week attacking "The Failed Policies of the Current Administration."

Obama harshly criticized his own budget, which more than quadruples the deficit and adds a staggering $10 billion to the national debt over ten years, as "Unsustainable": “We can’t keep on just borrowing from China.”

Obama said at a town-hall meeting in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, outside Albuquerque. “We have to pay interest on that debt, and that means we are mortgaging our children’s future with more and more debt.”

The President, repeating the objections of critics of his irresponsible runaway spending binge, predicted that, unless his policies are defeated, "Holders of U.S. debt will eventually get tired of buying it, causing interest rates on everything from auto loans to home mortgages to increase. It will have a dampening effect on our economy."

When C-Span host Steve Scully asked Obama when we would run out of money, the President responded that "Well, we are out of money now." Obama proceeded to explain why minor issues like fiscal responsibility should not stop us from launching huge new government bureaucracies that we can't afford.

Historians believe that this is the first instance of a sitting President throwing himself under the bus.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Setting our mind at ease

Attorney General Eric Holder tried to reassure worried lawmakers Thursday that no Guantanamo Bay detainees thought to be terrorists will be released into the United States.

"With regard to those who you would describe as terrorists, we would not bring them into this country and release them, anyone we would consider to be a terrorist," Holder said.

No word on whether "Overseas Contingency Operators" would qualify for release in American cities.

The Attorney General indicated that "many countries are eagerly lining up for their chance to adopt a detainee." Lawmakers were greatly relieved to hear that detainees at Gitmo would only be released in other countries, where our impenetrable border security would keep them out.

Thursday, April 30, 2009


President Barack Obama held a press conference to mark the one hundredth day of his term in office, in which he lamented his recent discovery that "The President uh does not have eh a button he to make uh bankers do what he uhhh...wants them to do." He can, however, push a button and fire the CEO of a private corporation.

Obama also expressed "disappointment that uh some people continue political posturing uh when uh I am here the uh business of the uh people uh standing up for uh the little guy, uh just like Abraham Lincoln."

The President decried the "glacial rate at uh which Washington uh moves" citing the fact that it took him two months to double discretionary spending, quadruple the deficit, bypass every Constitutional check to his authority, apologize for America to all his tyrant buddies, spread panic through New York City, and accomplish the biggest power grab in American history.

The President, appearing disconcerted by the lack of a teleprompter, summed up his thoughts about the "Hallmark holiday" of his first one hundred days by saying, "Uh...I would uh like to ... enchanted... my first uh hundred ... days uh I was uh like to say ....that uh hope and change. Uh in that... enchanted... would not be uhhh our military men uh not exactly uh... magnificent, would be uh more like uh not the uh words I would uh choose. Uh somebody tell me what I think!"

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Vice President Joe Biden confirmed the rumors swirling around Washington DC in recent weeks that "for several decades I have been practically running the Trilateral Commission."

Speculation has grown since it was revealed that Biden served as President Bush's unofficial advisor, spending endless hours setting the President straight with his vast knowledge and unsurpassed wisdom which produced gems such as "You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…I’m not joking!"

Suspicion grew yesterday when Biden took credit for Senator Arlen Specter switching parties, claiming that he had lobbied Specter "almost since childhood."

An unnamed media spokesman said, "Every event since World War II, when you start to examine it, you find Joe Biden's fingerprints all over it. Joe is the puppet master. We are all just dancing on his strings."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Rousing oratory

Larry Summers, President Obama's chief economic advisor, told a gathering of leaders from the financial sector that the economy remains groggy in spite of numerous attempts to rouse it from it's slumber. Summers said that the economy "needs a shot in the arm" in order to "awaken consumer activity and revive confidence in the equity and credit markets." He warned that it may take several months to pull the real estate and mortgage market out of it's "comatose state."

Torture Summit

Bush era torture memos released last week by the Obama White House indicate that American interrogators were excluded from an International Torture Summit for suggesting overly brutal methodologies.

The top-secret memos listed Syria, Iran, North Korea, China, Turkey, Egypt, Venezuela, and Cuba as participants at the 2004 seminar, which focused on sharing breakthroughs in the use of extreme pain to extract confessions and intimidate individuals from actively opposing the government.

Although much of the content is unknown, the memo does list the topics of several seminars.

Iranian torture experts hosted a breakout session titled "Toes, Tongue, Testicles, Nipples, or Anus: The Age-Old Question of Where to Deliver Electroshock."

The most heavily attended talk was presented by the Turkish delegation, on the subject "The problem with castration is you can only do it once."

China hosted a seminar entitled "How to break out teeth without depriving the traitor of the ability to speak their confession."

Other topics included
  • When pliars are better than knives
  • "I'm gonna count to ten": What makes fingers so useful
  • Toes: the other fingers
  • Suspensions: Not what you remember from high school
  • Wife and children: the ultimate leverage for the recalcitrant rebel
  • Weed wackers: Not just for edging your lawn
  • Rules of Thumb: With a blow torch, use chains, not rope
  • Power tools are your friend
A highlight of the summit was a betting pool whose object was to guess how long it would take a Hezbollah torturer to get a suspected Israeli collaborator to betray his companions.

The memo went on to report that a submission from the American CIA was denied for "appalling brutality and inhumanity." The "Executive Summary" for the American briefing indicated that it detailed the use of a caterpillar placed in the cell of an al Qaida terrorist to extract information regarding an imminent attack on airliners flying between London and New York.

Ripples of shock and disbelief spread through the seminar participants when it was revealed that the leaf-eating larva approached within less than a meter of the horrified victim before he provided the information required to avert the attack. A hooded Turkish torturer said, "You've got to draw the line somewhere, and this simply goes too far." Others characterized the technique as "barbaric" and "beyond the pale".

Another participant, speaking on condition of anomymity, said "You've got to think about the exploitation of the caterpillar. The helpless insect has no say in the matter, yet he is forced against his will into complicity in this horrendous act. I'll bet they didn't even use unionized caterpillars. Will he continue to be paid now that his services are no longer required?"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Beheading terrorists prevented waterboarding attack

The CIA confirmed reports that beheading of high-value terror detainees in US custody produced valuable intelligence which allowed American agents to thwart plans to waterboard innocent American citizens.

CIA interrogators indicated that al Qaida leader and 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed was uncooperative and belligerent, refusing to give up details of the planned "Second Wave" of attacks on America. When subjected to less persuasive forms of interrogation, KSM gave the ominous response: "Soon you'll get really wet."

But with the "enhanced" interrogation technique, KSM quickly offered up information leading to the arrest of a cell of East Asian operatives and the seizure of lumber and towels, apparently intended for use in the waterboarding attack.

According to a memo from CIA Acting General Counsel John A. Rizzo, "Cutting off a terrorist's head is a small price to pay to keep American citizens from experiencing a minute or two of intense discomfort and getting their hair frazzled."

Monday, April 20, 2009

Balancing the Budget

Today Obama assigned the various tax cheats in his cabinet to slash a total of $100 million from the proposed $3.55 trillion budget, a first step in his aggressive plan to balance the budget and achieve "pay as you go" fiscal responsibility.

The massive cuts, representing nearly 35 cents per American citizen, will dramatically reduce Obama's proposed budget deficit from $1.75 trillion to $1.7499 trillion.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said that the cuts were in response to last week's massive protests of the unprecedented expansion in the size and scope of the Federal Government far beyond the authority granted by the Constitution: "We want you to know that we heard your voice. We are tightening our belts before we continue hiking your taxes, decimating the value of the dollar, and mortgaging your children's future."

According to the Congressional Budget Office, if Obama continues to cut $100 million from the budget each day, the budget will be balanced in just 48 years.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

New tax rules

Shortly after Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano apologized to veterans for a report issued by her department suggesting that soldiers returning from Iraq were ticking time bombs poised to unleash waves of domestic terror at the hands of right-wing extremists attending Tea Parties, the Treasury Department announced new rules for the payment of taxes.

Modeled after Napolitano's heartfelt mea culpa, "An apology is owed," tax cheat Tim Geithner told reporters that the IRS will now accept a note reading "Taxes are owed" in place of a check.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Kool-Aid Parties

Supporters of President Barack Obama are responding to the Tea Party movement which is sweeping across the nation by holding their own parties.

Instead of patriots dressed as Indians throwing overtaxed tea into Boston Harbor to protest government tyranny, Obama supporters are dressing as male bees and swarming around troughs of a government-subsidized sticky-sweet red fruit punch beverage.

The high point of these counter-protests is when President Obama, dressed as a huge pitcher of TARP funding, crashes through the brick wall of limited government as the drones drink the Kool-Aid.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Obama bows to pirate captain

Fresh off his highly successful European tour which failed to accomplish any of its stated objectives, President Barack Obama opened "discussions" with the captain of a Somali pirate ring which currently holds one American hostage on a small lifeboat.

While video of the meeting appeared to show the President of the world's only superpower prostrating himself before the pirate, White House spokesman William Ayres denied that Obama bowed to the pirate captain, suggesting that the President was "Still working on his sea legs". The two-party talks, held in a Tehran hotel, proved fruitful for both the American administration and the Somali pirates.

Talks started off with the President apologizing to the pirates for centuries of American aggression, injustices, and arrogance which led to the intolerable circumstances forcing Somalis into a life of piracy. Obama assured the pirates that "America is not at war with pirates. In fact, you and I have a common adversary: people who earn a living."

Talks concluded with a lavish signing ceremony, cementing the agreement which gives 1.2 trillion golden doubloons in "bailout" money to the pirates in return for promises that the pirates will unionize and employ "green technologies".

Friday, April 3, 2009

Obama prepares "stern" response

Today the Obama Administration warned that there would be a "stern response" if North Korea should proceed with their planned test launch of a long-range missile.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton cautioned Pyongyang that the President had been preparing "a swift and unequivocal display of strength which will clearly communicate that we are really upset."

Hillary indicated that Obama had been working on his "pouty face", but abandoned that plan when military advisors suggested that it might not be firm enough.

Instead, the President has started rehearsing his "grouchy face" which he can assume on a monent's notice, when instructed by his teleprompter.

Reports that the President may resort to one of Bill Clinton's favorites, the finger wag, if North Korea should actually launch a nuclear strike against America were unconfirmed. A White House source, speaking on the condition of anonimity, said "We're not ready to pull out the Big Guns quite yet."

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Congress returns salary

After weeks of outrage that employees at failed companies were collecting millions of taxpayer dollars for being rotten at their job, Congress has decided to lead by example. Barney Franks and Chris Dodd announced the novel action from the Capitol steps: "Today Congress will display the accountability and responsibility that the citizens of this nation have demanded in the past days. Congress passed laws forcing banks to issue subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and we refused to enact the oversight asked for by the Bush Administration over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack. If the executives of AIG are responsible for the failure of that company, we are surely to blame for the economic state of the entire nation. We heard you, the people who make this nation work, who pay our salary with your taxes, and we are responding to your demand that your money not be wasted by rewarding failure. Therefore, we are returning every penney we have collected from the government over the past ten years."

President Obama announced plans to use the money to pay for the repair hundreds of millions of human jaws which were broken as they simultaneously hit the floor.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Embarrassed by their, uh, consistent misunderestimation of President George W Bush, the mainstream media has, uh, announced that they will compensate by systematically misoverestimating, uh, Barack Obama.

All across the fifty seven states of this great nation, the word is going out in, uh, newspapers and on television that Barack Obama is the, uh, greatest genius ever to hold the office of President.

It is resounding through, uh, hospital wards as they give breathalyzers to young boys with asthma.

The tiny town in, uh, Kansas where ten thousand people tragically died in a tornado is abuzz with hope as the pure brain power of, uh, Obama is unleashed.

America's fallen heroes are marching in the streets in, uh, support of the stunning intellect of the new Commander in Chief.

In Selma Alabama where Obama's parents met, the news is met with cheers of pure, uh, unadulterated joy.

Obama's uncle who liberated Auschwitz has finally, uh, come down from the attic.

Even in the tiny and insignificant country of Iran, scientists and engineers, uh, hard at work on building a nuclear warhead breathed a, uh, sigh of relief as Obama offered to cancel deployment our missile shield if Russia would help us keep Iran from gaining a nuclear weapons capability.

Now that Barack Obama has actually taken office and must do more than, uh, read brilliant speeches off a teleprompter to display his oratory prowess, the media's misoverestimation campaign has reached, uh, new heights, as reporters blindly trust a man who can't figure his own taxes to fix the world's financial system, count on a man who doesn't know the difference between a strategy and a tactic to lead our military in a multi-front war, turn for legal commentary to a man who thinks that the first article of the Constitution defines the Executive Branch, and believe that the same government which runs the VA Hospitals can do a better job at running the nation's entire medical system.

Dazzled by the glow of his undisputed mental acuity, they never stop to question that the candidate who promised to end earmarks happily signs a bill loaded with hundreds of them. They don't bat an eye when the deficit quadruples and discretionary spending is doubled within weeks of Obama's arrival at the White House, and they believe that somehow, this reckless binge of spending will be the first that is not blown by corruption, fraud, and waste. Barack Obama is, uh, far too smart to allow that.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Rewarding failure

Following the pattern established by the repeated bailouts of AIG, the Obama Administration today announced a new initiative for public schools across the nation. Speaking from the Office of Diversity and Self Esteem Preservation at a Acorn High School on Chicago's south side, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan and the school's Second Assistant Administrative Vice Principle of Federal Head Start Affirmative Action Regulations Compliance unveiled the program which promotes failing overweight students regardless of their academic progress.

The executive order signed last week by President Obama establishes the Federal Apptitude Transfer Stimulus Organization (FATSO) to oversee the new initiative, which uses GPA points earned by thin students to bail out students deemed "too big to fail."

Max and Moe Lehman, twins who attend Acorn High, discussed the new program as they ate the federally subsidized cafeteria meal consisting of bacon-wrapped fried chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, soda, cake, pie, and ice cream. The Lehman brothers emphatically agreed that the change will motivate them to study more dilligently, eat a healthy diet, and excell in their school work: "It is good when you spread the butter around."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Patriotism Training

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced at today's staff meeting that "Remedial Patriotism Training" will be mandatory for all cabinet members and appointees, effective immediately.

During last year's primary campaign, Senator Barack Hussein Obama was indignant when his patriotism was questioned after it was revealed that for twenty years he attended a church pastored by anti-American racist nutjob Jeremiah Wright and that he had a long association with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres and worked with Ayres to distribute millions of dollars from Ayres organization, Chicago Annenberg Challenge.

Later in the fall, Vice Presidental candidate Joe Biden defined patriotism as "willingly bankrolling the expansion of government at a higher rate than everyone else."

To prevent the black eye of further accidental lapses in patriotism, the administration is acting to ensure that all cabinet members recognize that the tax laws apply to them too.

Honk if I'm paying your mortgage

Today tax cheat Tim Geithner, President Obama's pick to run the IRS and the only one capable to "guard the hen house" of the Treasury Department, took a second stab at presenting the plan to bail out home owners who bought houses they could not afford.

Geithner, who failed to pay $34,000 in social security payroll taxes while working for the International Monetary Fund, was questioned by members of the White House Press Corps. One reporter pointed out that he live in a house which cost less than two hundred thousand dollars and paid his mortgage payments on time, but under Obama's plan, he would be asked to pay the mortgage of someone who bought a house costing seven hundred thousand dollars ($700,000). Geithner responded, "It is good when we spread the wealth around."

Another reporter clearly caught Geithner off guard by asking, "How much is this all going to cost me?" Geithner appeared to be intensely concentrating on adding figures in his head, and finally answered, "How much do you have?"

Friday, March 13, 2009

Fiscal Irresponsibility Summit

Two weeks after President Obama hosted the "Fiscal Responsibility Summit" which concluded that only a complete government takeover of the private sector could "responsibly" pay as we go to cover the President's tidal wave of pork-barrel spending, Obama is hosting another Summit to discuss how to distribute the $787 billion of pork to hundreds of liberal special-interest groups lined up at the public trough, loudly demanding their fair share.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "Fiscal responsibility is clearly out of the question, so we are here for another summit to make our plans for fiscal irresponsibility."

Asked if the massive tax hikes on gasoline, electricity, and small businesses were no longer in the plans, Emanuel smirked and answered, "You should never waste a good crisis."

Obama wasting a good crisis?

Today President Barack Obama took issue with his previous pronouncements of economic doom and gloom, raising questions that he may be at risk of wasting a good crisis.

Speaking to a group of evil corporate CEOs who flew in on their private jets on Thursday the President said, "I've never bought into these Malthusian, woe, Chicken Little, the earth is falling. I tend to be pretty optimistic."

Obama went on to say, "I don't think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. So last month when I warned that if Congress did not pass my stimulus bill, it would turn a crisis into a catastrophe, when I made dire prediction after gloomy forecast of endless doom, when I spoke endlessly about 'the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression', that kind of demagoguery was really off base."

The stock market plunged, driven by fear that the President was in dire jeaprody of violating his administration's slogan, voiced by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton: "Never waste a good crisis."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brady pushes German-style gun laws

After a horrific crime spree in Alabama which left ten people dead, Sarah Brady appeared with President Barack Obama to push for more "Common sense gun laws" which would prevent such tragedies in the future.

Brady, long-time gun control advocate and head of Handgun Control Inc. spoke passionately from the White House porch, surrounded by Secret Service agents armed with a wide variety of rifles and pistols, making the case that we should model our gun control laws on the much stricter laws of Germany, where most people are not permitted to own a firearm and only an elite few are elgible for permits to carry weapons of any kind.

Brady said that, "If we had German-style laws, things like this simply wouldn't happen."

Presidential Hopeful Moderating Views

Mauricio Funes, the presidential candidate for the
Farabundo Marti National Liberation Front (FMLN), El Salvador's Communist Party and former guerrilla group which waged a bloody war against the established government for years, is being forced to moderate his political views to appeal to a broader base of communist sympathizers.

Funes faces
Rodrigo Avila, the candidate of the National Republican Alliance Party, in Sunday's hotly contested election. Funes has run a series of campaign ads which point out how similar he is to American President Barack Hussein Obama. Both Funes and Obama, the ads note, have been compared by their opponents to radical leftists and terrorists. In fact, President Obama worked closely with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres for years, running Ayres organization, "Chicago Annenberg Challenge", and Funes is running as the candidate for a party which also killed numerous civilians and targeted police and government personnel.

Funes, who according to
Larry Birns, Director of the Council on Hemispheric Affairs, was picked for his popular appeal to a wider range of voters, is considered to be less ideological than former FMLN candidates.

But this does raise issues:
“Is Funes a new force, or is he simply a face man for the older, hard-line FMLN, who are still the guerrillas, who want to go back to Marxist, Leninist views of society, who want to take it to a Cuba-style, Chavez-style system of government?” ponders Latin American policy expert Ray Walsner.

To counter these questions, Funes has been forced to moderate his positions in his campaign speeches, avoiding specific policy discussions in favor of soaring, inspirational rhetoric. One can see how far Funes has moved to the center when you consider his job before becoming a communist politician: Funes' previous job was as a reporter for CNN.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

ACORN Clones

President Obama signed an executive order Tuesday to provide federal funding to ACORN for the purpose of registering human embryotic stem cells to vote Democrat. The decision, reversing President Bush's policy of requiring that only fully grown people who had reached the age of 18 could vote, was applauded by Planned Parenthood as "demonstrating once again that destroying embryos to get the stem cells can result in numerous benefits for liberal causes." Meanwhile, hundreds of diseases are currently being treated using stem cells extracted from adults without killing the donor and stem cells taken from aborted babies show great promise at creating monster tumors in lab rats at taxpayer expense.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Stimulate me!

Act now to get yours! We're giving away cars! We're giving away kitchens! We're making mortgage payments! We'll buy you free gas, too! But hurry! These deals are going away in 46 months! We've got schwag of all kinds. Demand your share now!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Trade missile shield for help with Marx

Today the Obama Administration send a letter to Russian President Dmitry Medved, offering to cancel America's missile defense system, due to be deployed in Europe next year, in exchange for help in implementing a Marxist form of government. The letter pointed out that no one has more experience with operating a totalitarian Marxist superpower than Russia, and that America could learn volumes from such greats as Lenin and Stalin.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton immediately issued a denial that such a letter had been sent, but then clarified, saying "It should not be seen as a tit-for-tat. This is a win-win. This is what 'Strong Power' is all about."

Rumors are now swirling that Obama may be preparing a deal trading Taiwan for step-by-step instructions for Tiananmen Square opposition suppression, fed by President Obama's statement that people should not be listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Just wait

President Barack Obama today unveiled his massive plan to bail out homeowners who are in default on their mortgage. The proposal calls for taxpayer dollars to be used to buy down interest rates or make payments for homeowners who bought houses costing up to seven hundred thousand dollars. The government has already bought interest rates for many borrowers down to two percent, and negotiated the extenstion of mortage terms out to forty years.

With nine percent of mortgages currently in default, one wonders about the political viability of asking the ninty-one percent of home owners who bought houses they could afford to not only continue paying their own mortgage, but to have their income confiscated to pay for someone living in a house costing the better part of a million dollars.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, tax cheat and architect of Obama's mortgage buyout, was questioned by reporters about the wisdom of angering the nine out of ten homeowners currently not in default in order to help the tenth. He answered, "We feel that when the President's health care plan, spending initiatives, bank nationalization scheme, and tax increase package takes effect, we'll be on the side of the majority."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Stimulation Czar

Fresh off of naming a "Car Czar", and "Energy Czar", a "Health Czar", and "Banking Czar", a "Mortgage Czar", and a "Bailout Czar", President Barack Obama today named Bill Clinton as the new "Stimulation Czar", in charge of implementing the new $787 billion pork bill in a way which stimulates the largest possible number of American people.

Former President Clinton delivered prepared comments at a White House press conference, indicating that he had a detailed plan for the stimulation of busty blond coeds. A reporter asked if his plan was "shovel ready." He chuckled as he replied, "Sure, if you're into that kind of thing."

Asked when his plan for the rest of the nation would be ready, Clinton answered, "Stimulation? They don't need stimulation. They are already screwed."

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Strategic alliance

Today in a formal ceremony in Tehran, the Obama Administration announced the formation of a new "Strategic Alliance" with longtime friends, al Qaeda. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance with the deal's broker, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and al Qaeda representatives Osama bin Laden and Jimmy Carter.

Clinton and Mr. bin Laden were seen embracing warmly before signing the historic agreement under a large banner proclaiming the new Administration's message to the middle east: "Obama bin Biden is your friend".

According to the terms the two parties agreed to, The United States will surrender Iraq to al Qaeda, stop monitoring terrorists phone calls to their sleeper cells in the United States, assure the comfort of any captured terrorists, and within six months either charge and try all detainees in accordance to the standard of proof required in criminal cases, or release them near the Sears Tower in Chicago. In return al Qaeda promises to only fight American soldiers in Afghanistan, where the real war is happening, and to only conduct beheadings and suicide bombings in accordance with the Geneva Conventions.

Hillary Clinton said that, "I think we got the better end of the deal because we were planning to do all that stuff anyway."

Voice response internet

The Obama Administration, long touted as the hippest, most tech-savvy in history, has announced a new innovation in internet technology: the voice response internet. Federal law mandates that all web sites switch to the new format by July 1, 2009.

Instead of using a computer with a web browser, this makes all internet sites available by rotary dial telephone, bringing the internet into reach of the 43 million Americans who can't afford a computer. Delays in printing one hundred million coupons for free rotary phones may make it necessary to change the transition date.

To access a web site, you simply dial the web site's number through a series of voice menus and prompts such as "Your call is important to us, please remain on the line as we process your request. Estimated wait time is seventeen minutes."

This aligns the internet's user interface with that of the rest of the government including the new health care bureaucracy being formed at this moment.

Al Gore was the chief architect of the new internet design. He said, "I invented the original internet and I reinvented government, so the next logical step was reinventing the internet to work the way Biden thinks it ought to work."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Learning from mistakes

President Obama addressed the nation today in support of his economic recovery plan, including the stimulus bill, mortgage bailout, automobile industry bailout, bank industry bailout, insurance industry bailout, SCHIP expansion, tax refunds to non-taxpayers, and single-payer medical care plan.

Obama blamed the current mortgage crisis on the "Irresponsible and reckless frenzy of borrowing and spending with no forethought into the long-term risks or costs, and with no way to ever repay the debts incurred. It is imperative that we learn from these mistakes and enact government regulations to prevent any such thing from happening again. Only government can exercise the fiscal restraint to curtail excessive toxic debt."

Which, Obama said, is why we must immediately, with no delay, pass a Federal Budget which borrows $1.75 trillion to fund his massive spending plans which we will never be able to pay for.

Get back to business

Today it was revealed that another Obama nominee cheated on his taxes over several years. Former Dallas mayor Ron Kirk, nominated by the President to serve as U.S. Trade Representative, failed to pay nearly $10,000 in taxes over the past three years, due to a series of entirely unintentional mistakes, all made in his favor.

Tim Geithner, currently running the Treasury Department and the Internal Revenue Service, the branch of government responsible for enforcing tax law, failed to pay $34,000 in Federal payroll taxes when he worked for the International Monetary Fund. The President insisted that Geithner was the man with the know-how to fix our nation's economic crisis, in spite of his minor tax issue, sending a sigh of relief through the nation as we collectively realized that solving the economic situation was easier than paying your taxes.

Former Senator Tom Daschle was withdrawn as Obama's pick for Health and Human Services after it was discovered that he had accidentally neglected to pay $140,000 in taxes. President Obama apologized for "screwing up" and reiterated his promise to maintain the highest ethical standards for his cabinet members. Tim Geithner remains in charge of the IRS.

Nancy Killefer, Obama's pick for "Chief Performance Officer", was withdrawn when it was determined that she had evaded her tax liability.

The Senate is feverishly working to pass new legislation making it legal to not pay your taxes until you have been nominated for a high-ranking position in the Obama administration, at which point your confirmation will sail through so long as you pay up and claim that it was an honest mistake.

The Obama administration issued a statement today, calling for an end to criticism of tax evasion committed by highly placed Obama nominees. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "It is time that we get back to the important business we came to Washington to do: attacking rich people for failing to pay their fair share of the tax burden."

Good news

Today we take a break from the flood of bad news about the Obama recession to focus in on the rare glimmer of sunlight breaking through the dark clouds of gloom.

Reports are coming in that the AIG bailout is working! Last year taxpayers poured $150 billion into the insurance giant because it was deemed "Too big to fail." Encouraged by the company's loss of $62 last quarter, the Obama administration poured another $30 into AIG this week. The stock price has plunged from more than $20 per share last September to 47 cents.

The good news is that soon AIG will not be too big to fail, and we can stop pouring money down that hole.

Timothy Geithner announced that the Obama administration plans to take the same approach to bail out the mortgage market.

Monday, March 2, 2009

News Flash

(3/2/2009) It has been discovered that President Barack Obama's nominee for Dog Catcher made a number of errors in figuring his taxes over the past ten years and actually overpaid by nearly a thousand dollars.

Careful examination of Bursby Bingly's Federal Income Tax returns by the President's meticulous vetting team determined that in 2002, 2003, and 2004, Bingly neglected to deduct maintenance and fuel costs of operating the county animal control truck which he paid out of pocket. As a result, Bingly was able to file an amended return and receive a refund of $942.

Senate Democrats said that the anomaly should not cause a problem in Bingly's confirmation.