Friday, August 6, 2010

You may kiss the bride

BO celebrates the ruling by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco to overturn the will of the people by striking down Proposition 8 which banned gay marriage.

Friday, September 18, 2009

"Rahm 'Em Good" Insurance Company

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced today that he is stepping down from his position in the Obama administration to start an insurance company where he can "make obscene profits" by rejecting customers for ridiculous reasons.

Emanuel told reporters in the White House briefing room that he had assembled a business plan which included denying applications for insurance based on hangnails, coffee-stained teeth, bad haircuts, and poor taste in fashion. "We pretty much had a reason to refuse to cover anyone, and if none of our reasons fit, we could just borrow some from Obama speeches."

When reporters asked how he planned to make money with such a scheme, Emanuel recounted an example: "A single mom from near Ohio applied for insurance, and we rejected her application because she misspelled 'dandruff' on her medical history form. We made a killing on that one."

Emanuel explained that his job at the White House was getting increasingly difficult, as he had to simultaneously vilify insurance companies and make the case that government should mandate the purchase of insurance, so when he saw a chance to profit from excess, heartlessness, and greed, he jumped at it.

"We're in the midst of a real health-care crisis," Emanual said, "You should never waste a good crisis."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

National Crisis

America faces a dire national crisis today, as reports from the White House indicate that President Barack Obama's teleprompter is broken.

Panic is spreading through the halls of public schools, as students, parents, and teachers grapple with the daunting challenge of excelling in education without being motivated by the dulcet tones of Obama's voice, resolved to their fate of remaining in the malaise of mediocrity until the President can speak the words which will lift them to their glorious potential.

Men and women in line at the unemployment offices shuffled their feet and hunkered down for another night without "hope" and "change" to fill their hungry stomachs.

Congress remained in a hopeless logjam as Democrats could not agree with each other about how to nationalize the medical industry, after Obama's speech to the joint session of Congress was put on hold. The American public, broadly opposed to Obama's plan, was unable to hear the President "flesh out the details of his vision" for taking over the medical system, a task he had failed to accomplish in 117 previous speeches on medical reform. Surely he needed just one more speech.

The oceans continued to rise and the polar bears clung to their shrinking chunks of ice, listening for the voice which would command the waves and the winds.

Suicide bombers in the Middle East continued to prepare for the day when they would strap explosive belts to their bodies and blow themselves and as many bystanders as possible to oblivion, unable to hear the soothing message of reconciliation which would rally all nations to unite behind our charasmatic leader, Barack Obama.

The nation, and yes, the world, waited in breathless anticipation for the voice which by it's mere tone and cadence would save humanity and usher in a new Utopia on earth, as the President's teleprompter sat in a union shop waiting to be repaired and returned to duty, telling the President what he thinks today.

Monday, August 24, 2009

White House sets up interrogation unit

Today an Obama spokesman announced the establishment of a new interrogation unit to be run under direct supervision of the White House.

Can't you SMELL the fear from al Qaida?

Attorney General Eric Holder said that the toughest question they plan to ask captured terrorists is "What kind of beer do you like?"

Since the War on Terror is over, it is unclear exactly who will be interrogated in this new unit. No word yet on whether people voicing opposition to the President's takeover of the medical system will receive higher priority than our soldiers or Donald Rumsfeld.

Monday, August 17, 2009

White House falling behind

A study recently released by Pear Analytics found that forty percent of the traffic on Twitter consists of "pointless babble" such as "I am having a sandwich". Only 8.7 percent of "Tweets" were found to have "pass-along value". Self-promotion made up 5.9 percent of the content, and spam only 3.8 percent.

This news gave rise to concern that White House press conferences are falling behind the curve. One member of the White House Press Corps said "We might have to switch to Twitter for our news. Here in the Press Briefing Room we only dream of getting pointless babble down to a mere 40%, and a real item with pass-along value has yet to be seen. As for self-promotion, that's every single word we get here."

The New York Times issued a rambling statement suggesting that the much higher signal to noise ratio of the alternative media might be responsible for the Times' slide into obscurity.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Police Profiling

President Obama launched legislation today making it a crime to profile police officers as racist simply for being law enforcement officers, requiring instead that charges of racism be based on behavior and fact.

Appearing at Duke's lacrosse field with Jeremiah Wright, the rabidly racist pastor of the church Obama attended for twenty years, the President laid out the case for this new legislation, saying "We recognize that it is wrong to assume that a citizen is a criminal simply because of the color of their skin, which is why the Supreme Court has ruled that police officers may not stop people solely based on their race. Today we are standing up to say that no one, from the President of the United States to a Harvard professor to that professor's students to a gangbanger on the street corner should assume that a police officer is racist just because they are wearing the uniform and doing their job."

The President did not directly mention the controversy swirling around the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Gates for disorderly conduct by three Cambridge police officers and the charges of racial profiling against the one officer who happened to be white.

Obama went on to explain that "It would be wrong for the President to impune the police as stupid racists without knowing the facts of the case, because that sends the message to young people that it is acceptable to disrespect police officers and that we will treat anyone who resists the police as a hero victim."

The President concluded by saying that "I hope this situation will be a teachable moment which will help people to understand the thankless job performed by our brave law enforcement officers each and every day, so that fewer Americas will walk around with a chip on their shoulder because 'As always, whitey now sits in judgment of me, preparing to cast my fate.'"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Obama plan offers universal access

President Obama took the case for his government takeover of the medical industry to the people today, promising that he would guarantee universal access to waiting lists.

The President, reading from the teleprompter in his new office at GM headquarters, said "Opponents of this reform will tell you that we can't give equal access to everyone and that therefore we should settle for a broken system which denies access to millions of Americans. But my plan assures that all people, regardless of their race, religion, gender, age, union membership, income, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, and political affiliation will have equal access to waiting lists for medical care."

Obama, who has often repeated the claim that no one will be forced to give up their private insurance to join the government medical bureaucracy, responded to the objection that page 16 of the 1,084-page bill contains a provision making individual private medical insurance illegal by saying that "I am not that familiar with the House bill that I have been pitching for weeks."