Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Congress returns salary

After weeks of outrage that employees at failed companies were collecting millions of taxpayer dollars for being rotten at their job, Congress has decided to lead by example. Barney Franks and Chris Dodd announced the novel action from the Capitol steps: "Today Congress will display the accountability and responsibility that the citizens of this nation have demanded in the past days. Congress passed laws forcing banks to issue subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and we refused to enact the oversight asked for by the Bush Administration over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack. If the executives of AIG are responsible for the failure of that company, we are surely to blame for the economic state of the entire nation. We heard you, the people who make this nation work, who pay our salary with your taxes, and we are responding to your demand that your money not be wasted by rewarding failure. Therefore, we are returning every penney we have collected from the government over the past ten years."

President Obama announced plans to use the money to pay for the repair hundreds of millions of human jaws which were broken as they simultaneously hit the floor.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Embarrassed by their, uh, consistent misunderestimation of President George W Bush, the mainstream media has, uh, announced that they will compensate by systematically misoverestimating, uh, Barack Obama.

All across the fifty seven states of this great nation, the word is going out in, uh, newspapers and on television that Barack Obama is the, uh, greatest genius ever to hold the office of President.

It is resounding through, uh, hospital wards as they give breathalyzers to young boys with asthma.

The tiny town in, uh, Kansas where ten thousand people tragically died in a tornado is abuzz with hope as the pure brain power of, uh, Obama is unleashed.

America's fallen heroes are marching in the streets in, uh, support of the stunning intellect of the new Commander in Chief.

In Selma Alabama where Obama's parents met, the news is met with cheers of pure, uh, unadulterated joy.

Obama's uncle who liberated Auschwitz has finally, uh, come down from the attic.

Even in the tiny and insignificant country of Iran, scientists and engineers, uh, hard at work on building a nuclear warhead breathed a, uh, sigh of relief as Obama offered to cancel deployment our missile shield if Russia would help us keep Iran from gaining a nuclear weapons capability.

Now that Barack Obama has actually taken office and must do more than, uh, read brilliant speeches off a teleprompter to display his oratory prowess, the media's misoverestimation campaign has reached, uh, new heights, as reporters blindly trust a man who can't figure his own taxes to fix the world's financial system, count on a man who doesn't know the difference between a strategy and a tactic to lead our military in a multi-front war, turn for legal commentary to a man who thinks that the first article of the Constitution defines the Executive Branch, and believe that the same government which runs the VA Hospitals can do a better job at running the nation's entire medical system.

Dazzled by the glow of his undisputed mental acuity, they never stop to question that the candidate who promised to end earmarks happily signs a bill loaded with hundreds of them. They don't bat an eye when the deficit quadruples and discretionary spending is doubled within weeks of Obama's arrival at the White House, and they believe that somehow, this reckless binge of spending will be the first that is not blown by corruption, fraud, and waste. Barack Obama is, uh, far too smart to allow that.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Rewarding failure

Following the pattern established by the repeated bailouts of AIG, the Obama Administration today announced a new initiative for public schools across the nation. Speaking from the Office of Diversity and Self Esteem Preservation at a Acorn High School on Chicago's south side, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan and the school's Second Assistant Administrative Vice Principle of Federal Head Start Affirmative Action Regulations Compliance unveiled the program which promotes failing overweight students regardless of their academic progress.

The executive order signed last week by President Obama establishes the Federal Apptitude Transfer Stimulus Organization (FATSO) to oversee the new initiative, which uses GPA points earned by thin students to bail out students deemed "too big to fail."

Max and Moe Lehman, twins who attend Acorn High, discussed the new program as they ate the federally subsidized cafeteria meal consisting of bacon-wrapped fried chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, soda, cake, pie, and ice cream. The Lehman brothers emphatically agreed that the change will motivate them to study more dilligently, eat a healthy diet, and excell in their school work: "It is good when you spread the butter around."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Patriotism Training

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced at today's staff meeting that "Remedial Patriotism Training" will be mandatory for all cabinet members and appointees, effective immediately.

During last year's primary campaign, Senator Barack Hussein Obama was indignant when his patriotism was questioned after it was revealed that for twenty years he attended a church pastored by anti-American racist nutjob Jeremiah Wright and that he had a long association with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres and worked with Ayres to distribute millions of dollars from Ayres organization, Chicago Annenberg Challenge.

Later in the fall, Vice Presidental candidate Joe Biden defined patriotism as "willingly bankrolling the expansion of government at a higher rate than everyone else."

To prevent the black eye of further accidental lapses in patriotism, the administration is acting to ensure that all cabinet members recognize that the tax laws apply to them too.

Honk if I'm paying your mortgage

Today tax cheat Tim Geithner, President Obama's pick to run the IRS and the only one capable to "guard the hen house" of the Treasury Department, took a second stab at presenting the plan to bail out home owners who bought houses they could not afford.

Geithner, who failed to pay $34,000 in social security payroll taxes while working for the International Monetary Fund, was questioned by members of the White House Press Corps. One reporter pointed out that he live in a house which cost less than two hundred thousand dollars and paid his mortgage payments on time, but under Obama's plan, he would be asked to pay the mortgage of someone who bought a house costing seven hundred thousand dollars ($700,000). Geithner responded, "It is good when we spread the wealth around."

Another reporter clearly caught Geithner off guard by asking, "How much is this all going to cost me?" Geithner appeared to be intensely concentrating on adding figures in his head, and finally answered, "How much do you have?"

Friday, March 13, 2009

Fiscal Irresponsibility Summit

Two weeks after President Obama hosted the "Fiscal Responsibility Summit" which concluded that only a complete government takeover of the private sector could "responsibly" pay as we go to cover the President's tidal wave of pork-barrel spending, Obama is hosting another Summit to discuss how to distribute the $787 billion of pork to hundreds of liberal special-interest groups lined up at the public trough, loudly demanding their fair share.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "Fiscal responsibility is clearly out of the question, so we are here for another summit to make our plans for fiscal irresponsibility."

Asked if the massive tax hikes on gasoline, electricity, and small businesses were no longer in the plans, Emanuel smirked and answered, "You should never waste a good crisis."

Obama wasting a good crisis?

Today President Barack Obama took issue with his previous pronouncements of economic doom and gloom, raising questions that he may be at risk of wasting a good crisis.

Speaking to a group of evil corporate CEOs who flew in on their private jets on Thursday the President said, "I've never bought into these Malthusian, woe, Chicken Little, the earth is falling. I tend to be pretty optimistic."

Obama went on to say, "I don't think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. So last month when I warned that if Congress did not pass my stimulus bill, it would turn a crisis into a catastrophe, when I made dire prediction after gloomy forecast of endless doom, when I spoke endlessly about 'the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression', that kind of demagoguery was really off base."

The stock market plunged, driven by fear that the President was in dire jeaprody of violating his administration's slogan, voiced by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton: "Never waste a good crisis."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brady pushes German-style gun laws

After a horrific crime spree in Alabama which left ten people dead, Sarah Brady appeared with President Barack Obama to push for more "Common sense gun laws" which would prevent such tragedies in the future.

Brady, long-time gun control advocate and head of Handgun Control Inc. spoke passionately from the White House porch, surrounded by Secret Service agents armed with a wide variety of rifles and pistols, making the case that we should model our gun control laws on the much stricter laws of Germany, where most people are not permitted to own a firearm and only an elite few are elgible for permits to carry weapons of any kind.

Brady said that, "If we had German-style laws, things like this simply wouldn't happen."

Presidential Hopeful Moderating Views

Mauricio Funes, the presidential candidate for the
Farabundo Marti National Liberation Front (FMLN), El Salvador's Communist Party and former guerrilla group which waged a bloody war against the established government for years, is being forced to moderate his political views to appeal to a broader base of communist sympathizers.

Funes faces
Rodrigo Avila, the candidate of the National Republican Alliance Party, in Sunday's hotly contested election. Funes has run a series of campaign ads which point out how similar he is to American President Barack Hussein Obama. Both Funes and Obama, the ads note, have been compared by their opponents to radical leftists and terrorists. In fact, President Obama worked closely with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres for years, running Ayres organization, "Chicago Annenberg Challenge", and Funes is running as the candidate for a party which also killed numerous civilians and targeted police and government personnel.

Funes, who according to
Larry Birns, Director of the Council on Hemispheric Affairs, was picked for his popular appeal to a wider range of voters, is considered to be less ideological than former FMLN candidates.

But this does raise issues:
“Is Funes a new force, or is he simply a face man for the older, hard-line FMLN, who are still the guerrillas, who want to go back to Marxist, Leninist views of society, who want to take it to a Cuba-style, Chavez-style system of government?” ponders Latin American policy expert Ray Walsner.

To counter these questions, Funes has been forced to moderate his positions in his campaign speeches, avoiding specific policy discussions in favor of soaring, inspirational rhetoric. One can see how far Funes has moved to the center when you consider his job before becoming a communist politician: Funes' previous job was as a reporter for CNN.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

ACORN Clones

President Obama signed an executive order Tuesday to provide federal funding to ACORN for the purpose of registering human embryotic stem cells to vote Democrat. The decision, reversing President Bush's policy of requiring that only fully grown people who had reached the age of 18 could vote, was applauded by Planned Parenthood as "demonstrating once again that destroying embryos to get the stem cells can result in numerous benefits for liberal causes." Meanwhile, hundreds of diseases are currently being treated using stem cells extracted from adults without killing the donor and stem cells taken from aborted babies show great promise at creating monster tumors in lab rats at taxpayer expense.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Stimulate me!

Act now to get yours! We're giving away cars! We're giving away kitchens! We're making mortgage payments! We'll buy you free gas, too! But hurry! These deals are going away in 46 months! We've got schwag of all kinds. Demand your share now!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Trade missile shield for help with Marx

Today the Obama Administration send a letter to Russian President Dmitry Medved, offering to cancel America's missile defense system, due to be deployed in Europe next year, in exchange for help in implementing a Marxist form of government. The letter pointed out that no one has more experience with operating a totalitarian Marxist superpower than Russia, and that America could learn volumes from such greats as Lenin and Stalin.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton immediately issued a denial that such a letter had been sent, but then clarified, saying "It should not be seen as a tit-for-tat. This is a win-win. This is what 'Strong Power' is all about."

Rumors are now swirling that Obama may be preparing a deal trading Taiwan for step-by-step instructions for Tiananmen Square opposition suppression, fed by President Obama's statement that people should not be listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Just wait

President Barack Obama today unveiled his massive plan to bail out homeowners who are in default on their mortgage. The proposal calls for taxpayer dollars to be used to buy down interest rates or make payments for homeowners who bought houses costing up to seven hundred thousand dollars. The government has already bought interest rates for many borrowers down to two percent, and negotiated the extenstion of mortage terms out to forty years.

With nine percent of mortgages currently in default, one wonders about the political viability of asking the ninty-one percent of home owners who bought houses they could afford to not only continue paying their own mortgage, but to have their income confiscated to pay for someone living in a house costing the better part of a million dollars.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, tax cheat and architect of Obama's mortgage buyout, was questioned by reporters about the wisdom of angering the nine out of ten homeowners currently not in default in order to help the tenth. He answered, "We feel that when the President's health care plan, spending initiatives, bank nationalization scheme, and tax increase package takes effect, we'll be on the side of the majority."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Stimulation Czar

Fresh off of naming a "Car Czar", and "Energy Czar", a "Health Czar", and "Banking Czar", a "Mortgage Czar", and a "Bailout Czar", President Barack Obama today named Bill Clinton as the new "Stimulation Czar", in charge of implementing the new $787 billion pork bill in a way which stimulates the largest possible number of American people.

Former President Clinton delivered prepared comments at a White House press conference, indicating that he had a detailed plan for the stimulation of busty blond coeds. A reporter asked if his plan was "shovel ready." He chuckled as he replied, "Sure, if you're into that kind of thing."

Asked when his plan for the rest of the nation would be ready, Clinton answered, "Stimulation? They don't need stimulation. They are already screwed."

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Strategic alliance

Today in a formal ceremony in Tehran, the Obama Administration announced the formation of a new "Strategic Alliance" with longtime friends, al Qaeda. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance with the deal's broker, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and al Qaeda representatives Osama bin Laden and Jimmy Carter.

Clinton and Mr. bin Laden were seen embracing warmly before signing the historic agreement under a large banner proclaiming the new Administration's message to the middle east: "Obama bin Biden is your friend".

According to the terms the two parties agreed to, The United States will surrender Iraq to al Qaeda, stop monitoring terrorists phone calls to their sleeper cells in the United States, assure the comfort of any captured terrorists, and within six months either charge and try all detainees in accordance to the standard of proof required in criminal cases, or release them near the Sears Tower in Chicago. In return al Qaeda promises to only fight American soldiers in Afghanistan, where the real war is happening, and to only conduct beheadings and suicide bombings in accordance with the Geneva Conventions.

Hillary Clinton said that, "I think we got the better end of the deal because we were planning to do all that stuff anyway."

Voice response internet

The Obama Administration, long touted as the hippest, most tech-savvy in history, has announced a new innovation in internet technology: the voice response internet. Federal law mandates that all web sites switch to the new format by July 1, 2009.

Instead of using a computer with a web browser, this makes all internet sites available by rotary dial telephone, bringing the internet into reach of the 43 million Americans who can't afford a computer. Delays in printing one hundred million coupons for free rotary phones may make it necessary to change the transition date.

To access a web site, you simply dial the web site's number through a series of voice menus and prompts such as "Your call is important to us, please remain on the line as we process your request. Estimated wait time is seventeen minutes."

This aligns the internet's user interface with that of the rest of the government including the new health care bureaucracy being formed at this moment.

Al Gore was the chief architect of the new internet design. He said, "I invented the original internet and I reinvented government, so the next logical step was reinventing the internet to work the way Biden thinks it ought to work."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Learning from mistakes

President Obama addressed the nation today in support of his economic recovery plan, including the stimulus bill, mortgage bailout, automobile industry bailout, bank industry bailout, insurance industry bailout, SCHIP expansion, tax refunds to non-taxpayers, and single-payer medical care plan.

Obama blamed the current mortgage crisis on the "Irresponsible and reckless frenzy of borrowing and spending with no forethought into the long-term risks or costs, and with no way to ever repay the debts incurred. It is imperative that we learn from these mistakes and enact government regulations to prevent any such thing from happening again. Only government can exercise the fiscal restraint to curtail excessive toxic debt."

Which, Obama said, is why we must immediately, with no delay, pass a Federal Budget which borrows $1.75 trillion to fund his massive spending plans which we will never be able to pay for.

Get back to business

Today it was revealed that another Obama nominee cheated on his taxes over several years. Former Dallas mayor Ron Kirk, nominated by the President to serve as U.S. Trade Representative, failed to pay nearly $10,000 in taxes over the past three years, due to a series of entirely unintentional mistakes, all made in his favor.

Tim Geithner, currently running the Treasury Department and the Internal Revenue Service, the branch of government responsible for enforcing tax law, failed to pay $34,000 in Federal payroll taxes when he worked for the International Monetary Fund. The President insisted that Geithner was the man with the know-how to fix our nation's economic crisis, in spite of his minor tax issue, sending a sigh of relief through the nation as we collectively realized that solving the economic situation was easier than paying your taxes.

Former Senator Tom Daschle was withdrawn as Obama's pick for Health and Human Services after it was discovered that he had accidentally neglected to pay $140,000 in taxes. President Obama apologized for "screwing up" and reiterated his promise to maintain the highest ethical standards for his cabinet members. Tim Geithner remains in charge of the IRS.

Nancy Killefer, Obama's pick for "Chief Performance Officer", was withdrawn when it was determined that she had evaded her tax liability.

The Senate is feverishly working to pass new legislation making it legal to not pay your taxes until you have been nominated for a high-ranking position in the Obama administration, at which point your confirmation will sail through so long as you pay up and claim that it was an honest mistake.

The Obama administration issued a statement today, calling for an end to criticism of tax evasion committed by highly placed Obama nominees. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "It is time that we get back to the important business we came to Washington to do: attacking rich people for failing to pay their fair share of the tax burden."

Good news

Today we take a break from the flood of bad news about the Obama recession to focus in on the rare glimmer of sunlight breaking through the dark clouds of gloom.

Reports are coming in that the AIG bailout is working! Last year taxpayers poured $150 billion into the insurance giant because it was deemed "Too big to fail." Encouraged by the company's loss of $62 last quarter, the Obama administration poured another $30 into AIG this week. The stock price has plunged from more than $20 per share last September to 47 cents.

The good news is that soon AIG will not be too big to fail, and we can stop pouring money down that hole.

Timothy Geithner announced that the Obama administration plans to take the same approach to bail out the mortgage market.

Monday, March 2, 2009

News Flash

(3/2/2009) It has been discovered that President Barack Obama's nominee for Dog Catcher made a number of errors in figuring his taxes over the past ten years and actually overpaid by nearly a thousand dollars.

Careful examination of Bursby Bingly's Federal Income Tax returns by the President's meticulous vetting team determined that in 2002, 2003, and 2004, Bingly neglected to deduct maintenance and fuel costs of operating the county animal control truck which he paid out of pocket. As a result, Bingly was able to file an amended return and receive a refund of $942.

Senate Democrats said that the anomaly should not cause a problem in Bingly's confirmation.