Thursday, April 30, 2009
President Barack Obama held a press conference to mark the one hundredth day of his term in office, in which he lamented his recent discovery that "The President uh does not have eh a button he can...press to make uh bankers do what he uhhh...wants them to do." He can, however, push a button and fire the CEO of a private corporation.
Obama also expressed "disappointment that uh some people continue political posturing uh when uh I am here to...do the uh business of the uh people uh standing up for uh the little guy, uh just like Abraham Lincoln."
The President decried the "glacial rate at uh which Washington uh moves" citing the fact that it took him two months to double discretionary spending, quadruple the deficit, bypass every Constitutional check to his authority, apologize for America to all his tyrant buddies, spread panic through New York City, and accomplish the biggest power grab in American history.
The President, appearing disconcerted by the lack of a teleprompter, summed up his thoughts about the "Hallmark holiday" of his first one hundred days by saying, "Uh...I would uh like to ... enchanted... my first uh hundred ... days uh I was uh like to say ....that uh hope and change. Uh in that... enchanted... would not be uhhh our military men uh not exactly uh... magnificent, would be uh more like uh not the uh words I would uh choose. Uh somebody tell me what I think!"
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Vice President Joe Biden confirmed the rumors swirling around Washington DC in recent weeks that "for several decades I have been practically running the Trilateral Commission."
Speculation has grown since it was revealed that Biden served as President Bush's unofficial advisor, spending endless hours setting the President straight with his vast knowledge and unsurpassed wisdom which produced gems such as "You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…I’m not joking!"
Suspicion grew yesterday when Biden took credit for Senator Arlen Specter switching parties, claiming that he had lobbied Specter "almost since childhood."
An unnamed media spokesman said, "Every event since World War II, when you start to examine it, you find Joe Biden's fingerprints all over it. Joe is the puppet master. We are all just dancing on his strings."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Larry Summers, President Obama's chief economic advisor, told a gathering of leaders from the financial sector that the economy remains groggy in spite of numerous attempts to rouse it from it's slumber. Summers said that the economy "needs a shot in the arm" in order to "awaken consumer activity and revive confidence in the equity and credit markets." He warned that it may take several months to pull the real estate and mortgage market out of it's "comatose state."
Bush era torture memos released last week by the Obama White House indicate that American interrogators were excluded from an International Torture Summit for suggesting overly brutal methodologies.
The top-secret memos listed Syria, Iran, North Korea, China, Turkey, Egypt, Venezuela, and Cuba as participants at the 2004 seminar, which focused on sharing breakthroughs in the use of extreme pain to extract confessions and intimidate individuals from actively opposing the government.
Although much of the content is unknown, the memo does list the topics of several seminars.
Iranian torture experts hosted a breakout session titled "Toes, Tongue, Testicles, Nipples, or Anus: The Age-Old Question of Where to Deliver Electroshock."
The most heavily attended talk was presented by the Turkish delegation, on the subject "The problem with castration is you can only do it once."
China hosted a seminar entitled "How to break out teeth without depriving the traitor of the ability to speak their confession."
Other topics included
- When pliars are better than knives
- "I'm gonna count to ten": What makes fingers so useful
- Toes: the other fingers
- Suspensions: Not what you remember from high school
- Wife and children: the ultimate leverage for the recalcitrant rebel
- Weed wackers: Not just for edging your lawn
- Rules of Thumb: With a blow torch, use chains, not rope
- Power tools are your friend
The memo went on to report that a submission from the American CIA was denied for "appalling brutality and inhumanity." The "Executive Summary" for the American briefing indicated that it detailed the use of a caterpillar placed in the cell of an al Qaida terrorist to extract information regarding an imminent attack on airliners flying between London and New York.
Ripples of shock and disbelief spread through the seminar participants when it was revealed that the leaf-eating larva approached within less than a meter of the horrified victim before he provided the information required to avert the attack. A hooded Turkish torturer said, "You've got to draw the line somewhere, and this simply goes too far." Others characterized the technique as "barbaric" and "beyond the pale".
Another participant, speaking on condition of anomymity, said "You've got to think about the exploitation of the caterpillar. The helpless insect has no say in the matter, yet he is forced against his will into complicity in this horrendous act. I'll bet they didn't even use unionized caterpillars. Will he continue to be paid now that his services are no longer required?"
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The CIA confirmed reports that beheading of high-value terror detainees in US custody produced valuable intelligence which allowed American agents to thwart plans to waterboard innocent American citizens.
CIA interrogators indicated that al Qaida leader and 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed was uncooperative and belligerent, refusing to give up details of the planned "Second Wave" of attacks on America. When subjected to less persuasive forms of interrogation, KSM gave the ominous response: "Soon you'll get really wet."
But with the "enhanced" interrogation technique, KSM quickly offered up information leading to the arrest of a cell of East Asian operatives and the seizure of lumber and towels, apparently intended for use in the waterboarding attack.
According to a memo from CIA Acting General Counsel John A. Rizzo, "Cutting off a terrorist's head is a small price to pay to keep American citizens from experiencing a minute or two of intense discomfort and getting their hair frazzled."
Monday, April 20, 2009
Today Obama assigned the various tax cheats in his cabinet to slash a total of $100 million from the proposed $3.55 trillion budget, a first step in his aggressive plan to balance the budget and achieve "pay as you go" fiscal responsibility.
The massive cuts, representing nearly 35 cents per American citizen, will dramatically reduce Obama's proposed budget deficit from $1.75 trillion to $1.7499 trillion.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said that the cuts were in response to last week's massive protests of the unprecedented expansion in the size and scope of the Federal Government far beyond the authority granted by the Constitution: "We want you to know that we heard your voice. We are tightening our belts before we continue hiking your taxes, decimating the value of the dollar, and mortgaging your children's future."
According to the Congressional Budget Office, if Obama continues to cut $100 million from the budget each day, the budget will be balanced in just 48 years.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Shortly after Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano apologized to veterans for a report issued by her department suggesting that soldiers returning from Iraq were ticking time bombs poised to unleash waves of domestic terror at the hands of right-wing extremists attending Tea Parties, the Treasury Department announced new rules for the payment of taxes.
Modeled after Napolitano's heartfelt mea culpa, "An apology is owed," tax cheat Tim Geithner told reporters that the IRS will now accept a note reading "Taxes are owed" in place of a check.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Supporters of President Barack Obama are responding to the Tea Party movement which is sweeping across the nation by holding their own parties.
Instead of patriots dressed as Indians throwing overtaxed tea into Boston Harbor to protest government tyranny, Obama supporters are dressing as male bees and swarming around troughs of a government-subsidized sticky-sweet red fruit punch beverage.
The high point of these counter-protests is when President Obama, dressed as a huge pitcher of TARP funding, crashes through the brick wall of limited government as the drones drink the Kool-Aid.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Fresh off his highly successful European tour which failed to accomplish any of its stated objectives, President Barack Obama opened "discussions" with the captain of a Somali pirate ring which currently holds one American hostage on a small lifeboat.
While video of the meeting appeared to show the President of the world's only superpower prostrating himself before the pirate, White House spokesman William Ayres denied that Obama bowed to the pirate captain, suggesting that the President was "Still working on his sea legs". The two-party talks, held in a Tehran hotel, proved fruitful for both the American administration and the Somali pirates.
Talks started off with the President apologizing to the pirates for centuries of American aggression, injustices, and arrogance which led to the intolerable circumstances forcing Somalis into a life of piracy. Obama assured the pirates that "America is not at war with pirates. In fact, you and I have a common adversary: people who earn a living."
Talks concluded with a lavish signing ceremony, cementing the agreement which gives 1.2 trillion golden doubloons in "bailout" money to the pirates in return for promises that the pirates will unionize and employ "green technologies".
Friday, April 3, 2009
Today the Obama Administration warned that there would be a "stern response" if North Korea should proceed with their planned test launch of a long-range missile.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton cautioned Pyongyang that the President had been preparing "a swift and unequivocal display of strength which will clearly communicate that we are really upset."
Hillary indicated that Obama had been working on his "pouty face", but abandoned that plan when military advisors suggested that it might not be firm enough.
Instead, the President has started rehearsing his "grouchy face" which he can assume on a monent's notice, when instructed by his teleprompter.
Reports that the President may resort to one of Bill Clinton's favorites, the finger wag, if North Korea should actually launch a nuclear strike against America were unconfirmed. A White House source, speaking on the condition of anonimity, said "We're not ready to pull out the Big Guns quite yet."