White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced today that he is stepping down from his position in the Obama administration to start an insurance company where he can "make obscene profits" by rejecting customers for ridiculous reasons.
Emanuel told reporters in the White House briefing room that he had assembled a business plan which included denying applications for insurance based on hangnails, coffee-stained teeth, bad haircuts, and poor taste in fashion. "We pretty much had a reason to refuse to cover anyone, and if none of our reasons fit, we could just borrow some from Obama speeches."
When reporters asked how he planned to make money with such a scheme, Emanuel recounted an example: "A single mom from near Ohio applied for insurance, and we rejected her application because she misspelled 'dandruff' on her medical history form. We made a killing on that one."
Emanuel explained that his job at the White House was getting increasingly difficult, as he had to simultaneously vilify insurance companies and make the case that government should mandate the purchase of insurance, so when he saw a chance to profit from excess, heartlessness, and greed, he jumped at it.
"We're in the midst of a real health-care crisis," Emanual said, "You should never waste a good crisis."