Rewarding failure

Following the pattern established by the repeated bailouts of AIG, the Obama Administration today announced a new initiative for public schools across the nation. Speaking from the Office of Diversity and Self Esteem Preservation at a Acorn High School on Chicago's south side, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan and the school's Second Assistant Administrative Vice Principle of Federal Head Start Affirmative Action Regulations Compliance unveiled the program which promotes failing overweight students regardless of their academic progress.

The executive order signed last week by President Obama establishes the Federal Apptitude Transfer Stimulus Organization (FATSO) to oversee the new initiative, which uses GPA points earned by thin students to bail out students deemed "too big to fail."

Max and Moe Lehman, twins who attend Acorn High, discussed the new program as they ate the federally subsidized cafeteria meal consisting of bacon-wrapped fried chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, soda, cake, pie, and ice cream. The Lehman brothers emphatically agreed that the change will motivate them to study more dilligently, eat a healthy diet, and excell in their school work: "It is good when you spread the butter around."