Thursday, May 28, 2009

Making policy

Senate Democrats voted to reject President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained the surprise decision, saying, “I would hope that a wise white man with the richness of his experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a Latina woman who has not lived that life. That wisdom, based solely on the color of our skin and the configuration of our chromosomes leads us to reject this nominee.”

When reporters questioned the racist overtones of Reid's remarks, Reid answered, "Of course it's not racist. We're Democrats."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Biden's prediction comes true

Vice President Joe Biden today claimed credit for his October 2008 prediction proving true.

On October 19, 2008 Biden said, "Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking."

Biden, who has been in charge of the "on the job training" of President Obama, points to North Korea's nuclear tests and missile launches as evidence that he was right in suggesting that Obama's weakness would provoke rogue nations to test him.

Biden, the smartest man to ever be VP, predicted that "It's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right" in Obama's response to this "generated crisis." As predicted, Obama's abject apology to Kim Yong-il brought loud protests from Americans who don't agree that "American aggression" is to blame for Korea's provocations.

Biden went on to predict that "No one will question the man's mettle." Today, Joe Biden, speaking from the doorway of his top-secret bunker in the Naval Observatory, told reporters that "Again I am right. There's no question that Obama's a pansy."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Obama attacks "Failed policies"

President Obama launched a campaign last week attacking "The Failed Policies of the Current Administration."

Obama harshly criticized his own budget, which more than quadruples the deficit and adds a staggering $10 billion to the national debt over ten years, as "Unsustainable": “We can’t keep on just borrowing from China.”

Obama said at a town-hall meeting in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, outside Albuquerque. “We have to pay interest on that debt, and that means we are mortgaging our children’s future with more and more debt.”

The President, repeating the objections of critics of his irresponsible runaway spending binge, predicted that, unless his policies are defeated, "Holders of U.S. debt will eventually get tired of buying it, causing interest rates on everything from auto loans to home mortgages to increase. It will have a dampening effect on our economy."

When C-Span host Steve Scully asked Obama when we would run out of money, the President responded that "Well, we are out of money now." Obama proceeded to explain why minor issues like fiscal responsibility should not stop us from launching huge new government bureaucracies that we can't afford.

Historians believe that this is the first instance of a sitting President throwing himself under the bus.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Setting our mind at ease

Attorney General Eric Holder tried to reassure worried lawmakers Thursday that no Guantanamo Bay detainees thought to be terrorists will be released into the United States.

"With regard to those who you would describe as terrorists, we would not bring them into this country and release them, anyone we would consider to be a terrorist," Holder said.

No word on whether "Overseas Contingency Operators" would qualify for release in American cities.

The Attorney General indicated that "many countries are eagerly lining up for their chance to adopt a detainee." Lawmakers were greatly relieved to hear that detainees at Gitmo would only be released in other countries, where our impenetrable border security would keep them out.