Thursday, April 30, 2009


President Barack Obama held a press conference to mark the one hundredth day of his term in office, in which he lamented his recent discovery that "The President uh does not have eh a button he to make uh bankers do what he uhhh...wants them to do." He can, however, push a button and fire the CEO of a private corporation.

Obama also expressed "disappointment that uh some people continue political posturing uh when uh I am here the uh business of the uh people uh standing up for uh the little guy, uh just like Abraham Lincoln."

The President decried the "glacial rate at uh which Washington uh moves" citing the fact that it took him two months to double discretionary spending, quadruple the deficit, bypass every Constitutional check to his authority, apologize for America to all his tyrant buddies, spread panic through New York City, and accomplish the biggest power grab in American history.

The President, appearing disconcerted by the lack of a teleprompter, summed up his thoughts about the "Hallmark holiday" of his first one hundred days by saying, "Uh...I would uh like to ... enchanted... my first uh hundred ... days uh I was uh like to say ....that uh hope and change. Uh in that... enchanted... would not be uhhh our military men uh not exactly uh... magnificent, would be uh more like uh not the uh words I would uh choose. Uh somebody tell me what I think!"

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