Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Richard Daley elected President of Iran

The Iranian High Council continued to deny that fraud had affected the result of the elections held nine days ago, announcing that a recount had determined that Richard Daley has been elected President of Iran.

American President Barack Hussein Obama claimed credit for the outcome, pointing to millions of stimulus dollars which funded A.C.O.R.N.'s get out the vote effort in Iran. The effectiveness of that campaign was proven when Abbas Ali Kadkhodaei, spokesman for the Iranian Guardian Council, pointed out that "Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities, are not accurate – the incident has happened in only 50 cities".

Thursday, June 18, 2009

He's done it now

President Obama opened a gapping rift between himself and his core support group on Tuesday when he swatted a house fly during an interview with CNBC's John Harwood.

The White House was quick to claim credit for the President's first military victory, saying "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel was quick to point out the contract between the President's decisive action against the fly and his deference to foreign dictators, whether it be bowing to the Saudi king, exchanging gifts with anti-American thug Hugo Chavez, ignoring North Korean aggression, refusing to condemn a rigged election in Iran due to America's "history of meddling", or apologizing for America to Cuban tyrant Castro. "The President knows when to get tough," Emanuel told reporters.

However, PETA was quick to jump on the offense against the innocent animal, saying "We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals. We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

PETA spokesman
Bruce Friedrich also sent a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher to the White House, so that the President of the United States can catch flies and safely release them outside.

An outraged mob quickly formed outside of the White House gates, demanding that the President be prosecuted for harming a fly. A spokesperson for the group told reporters that "Obama has done many things right. He poured trillions of dollars into liberal special interest groups to pay off those of us who got him elected. He nationalized huge industries and installed himself as head of GM. He increased the deficit to four times the size it had ever been. He granted rights to foreign terrorists usually reserved for US citizens. He put a tax cheat in charge of the IRS. Singlehandedly Obama has orchestrated the biggest move towards socialism in American history. But we can't overlook his treatment of a fly. How can we have equality if flies can arbitrarily be murdered. What has the left come to if insects no longer have more protection than unborn babies?"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Saving us all

Less than a day after President Obama claimed that his economic recovery plan is working, in spite of a higher-than-expected jump in unemployment, by claiming to have "saved or created 150,000 jobs", the President has also claimed victory for his little-known "Alien Abduction Prevention Program". The program, which beams radio signals into space carrying the dulcet tones of Obama's voice intoning calming platitudes and conciliatory pleas, is responsible for saving nearly three-hundred million Americans from being abducted by aliens, in the past month alone.

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel told reporters, "It just got us thinking. If you are a teacher or a police officer or a nurse and you have not been laid off, Obama gets the credit for saving your job. How many people have not been abducted by aliens? That's a lot of credit we can claim."

Since Obama rammed his massive stimulus bill through Congress with promises that it would prevent unemployment from reaching 8%, the economy has lost 1.6 million jobs and the unemployment rate soared to 9.4%.

Obama, who plans to save 600,000 more jobs in the next three months, is looking into other impressive-sounding but unmeasurable goals to set for his administration. Front runners include a plan to save a million polar bears from the horrors of global warming and a program to save three million Americans from buying American cars.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Great Leap Forward

As fringe communist thugs Chavez and Castro joke that if they are not careful, they'll end up to the right of Obama, American media continue to report that President Barack Obama is governing from the middle. Many are left to wonder "the middle of what?"

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel addressed those questions today when he announced that the President has positioned himself on the ideological spectrum somewhere between Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong. Emanuel assured reporters that "You will find Obama's Five Year Plan to be a Great Leap Forward."

Emanuel rebuffed assertions that Stalin and Mao were poor models for an American president by pointing out that Mao remains very popular in China, where criticizing him is punishable by death.

The administration is still deliberating on what Obama's title will be when he has completed remaking America, but they have narrowed the options to "Komrade Obama" and "Chairman Obama."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Pravda fills niche

Today Russian newspaper Pravda indicated a major shift in policy, abandoning their long-held role as the propaganda branch of the Soviet Socialist Party to fill a vacuum in American media by sounding the alarm at the loss of freedom, democracy, liberty, and capitalism.

A spokesman for the newspaper said that "We just couldn't continue to compete with dozens of American networks and newspapers who stole our schtick."

The first evidence of this dramatic change in editorial stance was a piece titled "American capitalism gone with a whimper."

The article started out with the observation that "It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American decent into Marxism is happening with breath taking speed, against the back drop of a passive, hapless sheeple, excuse me dear reader, I meant people."

The author then proceeds to mock the American people for "the surrender of their freedoms and souls, to the whims of their elites and betters" whose cause he traces to Americans being "dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system based on pop culture, rather then the classics."

He goes on to say that "The final collapse has come with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months has been truly impressive. His spending and money printing has been a record setting, not just in America's short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more then another year, and there is no sign that it will not, America at best will resemble the Wiemar Republic and at worst Zimbabwe."

In short, Pravda is doing the job that America's "free" media neglects by reporting Obama's sweeping transformation of American government and society into a far more oppressive regime than Russian oligarchs were ever able to achieve.

If anyone knows that Marxism is something you "descend into" it is Pravda.