White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced today that he is stepping down from his position in the Obama administration to start an insurance company where he can "make obscene profits" by rejecting customers for ridiculous reasons.
Emanuel told reporters in the White House briefing room that he had assembled a business plan which included denying applications for insurance based on hangnails, coffee-stained teeth, bad haircuts, and poor taste in fashion. "We pretty much had a reason to refuse to cover anyone, and if none of our reasons fit, we could just borrow some from Obama speeches."
When reporters asked how he planned to make money with such a scheme, Emanuel recounted an example: "A single mom from near Ohio applied for insurance, and we rejected her application because she misspelled 'dandruff' on her medical history form. We made a killing on that one."
Emanuel explained that his job at the White House was getting increasingly difficult, as he had to simultaneously vilify insurance companies and make the case that government should mandate the purchase of insurance, so when he saw a chance to profit from excess, heartlessness, and greed, he jumped at it.
"We're in the midst of a real health-care crisis," Emanual said, "You should never waste a good crisis."
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
America faces a dire national crisis today, as reports from the White House indicate that President Barack Obama's teleprompter is broken.
Panic is spreading through the halls of public schools, as students, parents, and teachers grapple with the daunting challenge of excelling in education without being motivated by the dulcet tones of Obama's voice, resolved to their fate of remaining in the malaise of mediocrity until the President can speak the words which will lift them to their glorious potential.
Men and women in line at the unemployment offices shuffled their feet and hunkered down for another night without "hope" and "change" to fill their hungry stomachs.
Congress remained in a hopeless logjam as Democrats could not agree with each other about how to nationalize the medical industry, after Obama's speech to the joint session of Congress was put on hold. The American public, broadly opposed to Obama's plan, was unable to hear the President "flesh out the details of his vision" for taking over the medical system, a task he had failed to accomplish in 117 previous speeches on medical reform. Surely he needed just one more speech.
The oceans continued to rise and the polar bears clung to their shrinking chunks of ice, listening for the voice which would command the waves and the winds.
Suicide bombers in the Middle East continued to prepare for the day when they would strap explosive belts to their bodies and blow themselves and as many bystanders as possible to oblivion, unable to hear the soothing message of reconciliation which would rally all nations to unite behind our charasmatic leader, Barack Obama.
The nation, and yes, the world, waited in breathless anticipation for the voice which by it's mere tone and cadence would save humanity and usher in a new Utopia on earth, as the President's teleprompter sat in a union shop waiting to be repaired and returned to duty, telling the President what he thinks today.