After weeks of outrage that employees at failed companies were collecting millions of taxpayer dollars for being rotten at their job, Congress has decided to lead by example. Barney Franks and Chris Dodd announced the novel action from the Capitol steps: "Today Congress will display the accountability and responsibility that the citizens of this nation have demanded in the past days. Congress passed laws forcing banks to issue subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and we refused to enact the oversight asked for by the Bush Administration over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mack. If the executives of AIG are responsible for the failure of that company, we are surely to blame for the economic state of the entire nation. We heard you, the people who make this nation work, who pay our salary with your taxes, and we are responding to your demand that your money not be wasted by rewarding failure. Therefore, we are returning every penney we have collected from the government over the past ten years."
President Obama announced plans to use the money to pay for the repair hundreds of millions of human jaws which were broken as they simultaneously hit the floor.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Misoverestimation
Embarrassed by their, uh, consistent misunderestimation of President George W Bush, the mainstream media has, uh, announced that they will compensate by systematically misoverestimating, uh, Barack Obama.
All across the fifty seven states of this great nation, the word is going out in, uh, newspapers and on television that Barack Obama is the, uh, greatest genius ever to hold the office of President.
It is resounding through, uh, hospital wards as they give breathalyzers to young boys with asthma.
The tiny town in, uh, Kansas where ten thousand people tragically died in a tornado is abuzz with hope as the pure brain power of, uh, Obama is unleashed.
America's fallen heroes are marching in the streets in, uh, support of the stunning intellect of the new Commander in Chief.
In Selma Alabama where Obama's parents met, the news is met with cheers of pure, uh, unadulterated joy.
Obama's uncle who liberated Auschwitz has finally, uh, come down from the attic.
Even in the tiny and insignificant country of Iran, scientists and engineers, uh, hard at work on building a nuclear warhead breathed a, uh, sigh of relief as Obama offered to cancel deployment our missile shield if Russia would help us keep Iran from gaining a nuclear weapons capability.
Now that Barack Obama has actually taken office and must do more than, uh, read brilliant speeches off a teleprompter to display his oratory prowess, the media's misoverestimation campaign has reached, uh, new heights, as reporters blindly trust a man who can't figure his own taxes to fix the world's financial system, count on a man who doesn't know the difference between a strategy and a tactic to lead our military in a multi-front war, turn for legal commentary to a man who thinks that the first article of the Constitution defines the Executive Branch, and believe that the same government which runs the VA Hospitals can do a better job at running the nation's entire medical system.
Dazzled by the glow of his undisputed mental acuity, they never stop to question that the candidate who promised to end earmarks happily signs a bill loaded with hundreds of them. They don't bat an eye when the deficit quadruples and discretionary spending is doubled within weeks of Obama's arrival at the White House, and they believe that somehow, this reckless binge of spending will be the first that is not blown by corruption, fraud, and waste. Barack Obama is, uh, far too smart to allow that.
All across the fifty seven states of this great nation, the word is going out in, uh, newspapers and on television that Barack Obama is the, uh, greatest genius ever to hold the office of President.
It is resounding through, uh, hospital wards as they give breathalyzers to young boys with asthma.
The tiny town in, uh, Kansas where ten thousand people tragically died in a tornado is abuzz with hope as the pure brain power of, uh, Obama is unleashed.
America's fallen heroes are marching in the streets in, uh, support of the stunning intellect of the new Commander in Chief.
In Selma Alabama where Obama's parents met, the news is met with cheers of pure, uh, unadulterated joy.
Obama's uncle who liberated Auschwitz has finally, uh, come down from the attic.
Even in the tiny and insignificant country of Iran, scientists and engineers, uh, hard at work on building a nuclear warhead breathed a, uh, sigh of relief as Obama offered to cancel deployment our missile shield if Russia would help us keep Iran from gaining a nuclear weapons capability.
Now that Barack Obama has actually taken office and must do more than, uh, read brilliant speeches off a teleprompter to display his oratory prowess, the media's misoverestimation campaign has reached, uh, new heights, as reporters blindly trust a man who can't figure his own taxes to fix the world's financial system, count on a man who doesn't know the difference between a strategy and a tactic to lead our military in a multi-front war, turn for legal commentary to a man who thinks that the first article of the Constitution defines the Executive Branch, and believe that the same government which runs the VA Hospitals can do a better job at running the nation's entire medical system.
Dazzled by the glow of his undisputed mental acuity, they never stop to question that the candidate who promised to end earmarks happily signs a bill loaded with hundreds of them. They don't bat an eye when the deficit quadruples and discretionary spending is doubled within weeks of Obama's arrival at the White House, and they believe that somehow, this reckless binge of spending will be the first that is not blown by corruption, fraud, and waste. Barack Obama is, uh, far too smart to allow that.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Rewarding failure
Following the pattern established by the repeated bailouts of AIG, the Obama Administration today announced a new initiative for public schools across the nation. Speaking from the Office of Diversity and Self Esteem Preservation at a Acorn High School on Chicago's south side, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan and the school's Second Assistant Administrative Vice Principle of Federal Head Start Affirmative Action Regulations Compliance unveiled the program which promotes failing overweight students regardless of their academic progress.
The executive order signed last week by President Obama establishes the Federal Apptitude Transfer Stimulus Organization (FATSO) to oversee the new initiative, which uses GPA points earned by thin students to bail out students deemed "too big to fail."
Max and Moe Lehman, twins who attend Acorn High, discussed the new program as they ate the federally subsidized cafeteria meal consisting of bacon-wrapped fried chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, soda, cake, pie, and ice cream. The Lehman brothers emphatically agreed that the change will motivate them to study more dilligently, eat a healthy diet, and excell in their school work: "It is good when you spread the butter around."
The executive order signed last week by President Obama establishes the Federal Apptitude Transfer Stimulus Organization (FATSO) to oversee the new initiative, which uses GPA points earned by thin students to bail out students deemed "too big to fail."
Max and Moe Lehman, twins who attend Acorn High, discussed the new program as they ate the federally subsidized cafeteria meal consisting of bacon-wrapped fried chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and gravy, soda, cake, pie, and ice cream. The Lehman brothers emphatically agreed that the change will motivate them to study more dilligently, eat a healthy diet, and excell in their school work: "It is good when you spread the butter around."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Patriotism Training
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced at today's staff meeting that "Remedial Patriotism Training" will be mandatory for all cabinet members and appointees, effective immediately.
During last year's primary campaign, Senator Barack Hussein Obama was indignant when his patriotism was questioned after it was revealed that for twenty years he attended a church pastored by anti-American racist nutjob Jeremiah Wright and that he had a long association with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres and worked with Ayres to distribute millions of dollars from Ayres organization, Chicago Annenberg Challenge.
Later in the fall, Vice Presidental candidate Joe Biden defined patriotism as "willingly bankrolling the expansion of government at a higher rate than everyone else."
To prevent the black eye of further accidental lapses in patriotism, the administration is acting to ensure that all cabinet members recognize that the tax laws apply to them too.
During last year's primary campaign, Senator Barack Hussein Obama was indignant when his patriotism was questioned after it was revealed that for twenty years he attended a church pastored by anti-American racist nutjob Jeremiah Wright and that he had a long association with Weather Underground terrorist William Ayres and worked with Ayres to distribute millions of dollars from Ayres organization, Chicago Annenberg Challenge.
Later in the fall, Vice Presidental candidate Joe Biden defined patriotism as "willingly bankrolling the expansion of government at a higher rate than everyone else."
To prevent the black eye of further accidental lapses in patriotism, the administration is acting to ensure that all cabinet members recognize that the tax laws apply to them too.
Honk if I'm paying your mortgage
Today tax cheat Tim Geithner, President Obama's pick to run the IRS and the only one capable to "guard the hen house" of the Treasury Department, took a second stab at presenting the plan to bail out home owners who bought houses they could not afford.
Geithner, who failed to pay $34,000 in social security payroll taxes while working for the International Monetary Fund, was questioned by members of the White House Press Corps. One reporter pointed out that he live in a house which cost less than two hundred thousand dollars and paid his mortgage payments on time, but under Obama's plan, he would be asked to pay the mortgage of someone who bought a house costing seven hundred thousand dollars ($700,000). Geithner responded, "It is good when we spread the wealth around."
Another reporter clearly caught Geithner off guard by asking, "How much is this all going to cost me?" Geithner appeared to be intensely concentrating on adding figures in his head, and finally answered, "How much do you have?"
Geithner, who failed to pay $34,000 in social security payroll taxes while working for the International Monetary Fund, was questioned by members of the White House Press Corps. One reporter pointed out that he live in a house which cost less than two hundred thousand dollars and paid his mortgage payments on time, but under Obama's plan, he would be asked to pay the mortgage of someone who bought a house costing seven hundred thousand dollars ($700,000). Geithner responded, "It is good when we spread the wealth around."
Another reporter clearly caught Geithner off guard by asking, "How much is this all going to cost me?" Geithner appeared to be intensely concentrating on adding figures in his head, and finally answered, "How much do you have?"
Friday, March 13, 2009
Fiscal Irresponsibility Summit
Two weeks after President Obama hosted the "Fiscal Responsibility Summit" which concluded that only a complete government takeover of the private sector could "responsibly" pay as we go to cover the President's tidal wave of pork-barrel spending, Obama is hosting another Summit to discuss how to distribute the $787 billion of pork to hundreds of liberal special-interest groups lined up at the public trough, loudly demanding their fair share.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "Fiscal responsibility is clearly out of the question, so we are here for another summit to make our plans for fiscal irresponsibility."
Asked if the massive tax hikes on gasoline, electricity, and small businesses were no longer in the plans, Emanuel smirked and answered, "You should never waste a good crisis."
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "Fiscal responsibility is clearly out of the question, so we are here for another summit to make our plans for fiscal irresponsibility."
Asked if the massive tax hikes on gasoline, electricity, and small businesses were no longer in the plans, Emanuel smirked and answered, "You should never waste a good crisis."
Obama wasting a good crisis?
Today President Barack Obama took issue with his previous pronouncements of economic doom and gloom, raising questions that he may be at risk of wasting a good crisis.
Speaking to a group of evil corporate CEOs who flew in on their private jets on Thursday the President said, "I've never bought into these Malthusian, woe, Chicken Little, the earth is falling. I tend to be pretty optimistic."
Obama went on to say, "I don't think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. So last month when I warned that if Congress did not pass my stimulus bill, it would turn a crisis into a catastrophe, when I made dire prediction after gloomy forecast of endless doom, when I spoke endlessly about 'the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression', that kind of demagoguery was really off base."
The stock market plunged, driven by fear that the President was in dire jeaprody of violating his administration's slogan, voiced by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton: "Never waste a good crisis."
Speaking to a group of evil corporate CEOs who flew in on their private jets on Thursday the President said, "I've never bought into these Malthusian, woe, Chicken Little, the earth is falling. I tend to be pretty optimistic."
Obama went on to say, "I don't think things are ever as good as they say, or ever as bad as they say. So last month when I warned that if Congress did not pass my stimulus bill, it would turn a crisis into a catastrophe, when I made dire prediction after gloomy forecast of endless doom, when I spoke endlessly about 'the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression', that kind of demagoguery was really off base."
The stock market plunged, driven by fear that the President was in dire jeaprody of violating his administration's slogan, voiced by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton: "Never waste a good crisis."
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