National Crisis

America faces a dire national crisis today, as reports from the White House indicate that President Barack Obama's teleprompter is broken.

Panic is spreading through the halls of public schools, as students, parents, and teachers grapple with the daunting challenge of excelling in education without being motivated by the dulcet tones of Obama's voice, resolved to their fate of remaining in the malaise of mediocrity until the President can speak the words which will lift them to their glorious potential.

Men and women in line at the unemployment offices shuffled their feet and hunkered down for another night without "hope" and "change" to fill their hungry stomachs.

Congress remained in a hopeless logjam as Democrats could not agree with each other about how to nationalize the medical industry, after Obama's speech to the joint session of Congress was put on hold. The American public, broadly opposed to Obama's plan, was unable to hear the President "flesh out the details of his vision" for taking over the medical system, a task he had failed to accomplish in 117 previous speeches on medical reform. Surely he needed just one more speech.

The oceans continued to rise and the polar bears clung to their shrinking chunks of ice, listening for the voice which would command the waves and the winds.

Suicide bombers in the Middle East continued to prepare for the day when they would strap explosive belts to their bodies and blow themselves and as many bystanders as possible to oblivion, unable to hear the soothing message of reconciliation which would rally all nations to unite behind our charasmatic leader, Barack Obama.

The nation, and yes, the world, waited in breathless anticipation for the voice which by it's mere tone and cadence would save humanity and usher in a new Utopia on earth, as the President's teleprompter sat in a union shop waiting to be repaired and returned to duty, telling the President what he thinks today.

White House sets up interrogation unit

Today an Obama spokesman announced the establishment of a new interrogation unit to be run under direct supervision of the White House.

Can't you SMELL the fear from al Qaida?

Attorney General Eric Holder said that the toughest question they plan to ask captured terrorists is "What kind of beer do you like?"

Since the War on Terror is over, it is unclear exactly who will be interrogated in this new unit. No word yet on whether people voicing opposition to the President's takeover of the medical system will receive higher priority than our soldiers or Donald Rumsfeld.

White House falling behind

A study recently released by Pear Analytics found that forty percent of the traffic on Twitter consists of "pointless babble" such as "I am having a sandwich". Only 8.7 percent of "Tweets" were found to have "pass-along value". Self-promotion made up 5.9 percent of the content, and spam only 3.8 percent.

This news gave rise to concern that White House press conferences are falling behind the curve. One member of the White House Press Corps said "We might have to switch to Twitter for our news. Here in the Press Briefing Room we only dream of getting pointless babble down to a mere 40%, and a real item with pass-along value has yet to be seen. As for self-promotion, that's every single word we get here."

The New York Times issued a rambling statement suggesting that the much higher signal to noise ratio of the alternative media might be responsible for the Times' slide into obscurity.

Police Profiling

President Obama launched legislation today making it a crime to profile police officers as racist simply for being law enforcement officers, requiring instead that charges of racism be based on behavior and fact.

Appearing at Duke's lacrosse field with Jeremiah Wright, the rabidly racist pastor of the church Obama attended for twenty years, the President laid out the case for this new legislation, saying "We recognize that it is wrong to assume that a citizen is a criminal simply because of the color of their skin, which is why the Supreme Court has ruled that police officers may not stop people solely based on their race. Today we are standing up to say that no one, from the President of the United States to a Harvard professor to that professor's students to a gangbanger on the street corner should assume that a police officer is racist just because they are wearing the uniform and doing their job."

The President did not directly mention the controversy swirling around the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Gates for disorderly conduct by three Cambridge police officers and the charges of racial profiling against the one officer who happened to be white.

Obama went on to explain that "It would be wrong for the President to impune the police as stupid racists without knowing the facts of the case, because that sends the message to young people that it is acceptable to disrespect police officers and that we will treat anyone who resists the police as a hero victim."

The President concluded by saying that "I hope this situation will be a teachable moment which will help people to understand the thankless job performed by our brave law enforcement officers each and every day, so that fewer Americas will walk around with a chip on their shoulder because 'As always, whitey now sits in judgment of me, preparing to cast my fate.'"

Obama plan offers universal access

President Obama took the case for his government takeover of the medical industry to the people today, promising that he would guarantee universal access to waiting lists.

The President, reading from the teleprompter in his new office at GM headquarters, said "Opponents of this reform will tell you that we can't give equal access to everyone and that therefore we should settle for a broken system which denies access to millions of Americans. But my plan assures that all people, regardless of their race, religion, gender, age, union membership, income, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, and political affiliation will have equal access to waiting lists for medical care."

Obama, who has often repeated the claim that no one will be forced to give up their private insurance to join the government medical bureaucracy, responded to the objection that page 16 of the 1,084-page bill contains a provision making individual private medical insurance illegal by saying that "I am not that familiar with the House bill that I have been pitching for weeks."

Richard Daley elected President of Iran

The Iranian High Council continued to deny that fraud had affected the result of the elections held nine days ago, announcing that a recount had determined that Richard Daley has been elected President of Iran.

American President Barack Hussein Obama claimed credit for the outcome, pointing to millions of stimulus dollars which funded A.C.O.R.N.'s get out the vote effort in Iran. The effectiveness of that campaign was proven when Abbas Ali Kadkhodaei, spokesman for the Iranian Guardian Council, pointed out that "Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities, are not accurate – the incident has happened in only 50 cities".

He's done it now

President Obama opened a gapping rift between himself and his core support group on Tuesday when he swatted a house fly during an interview with CNBC's John Harwood.

The White House was quick to claim credit for the President's first military victory, saying "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel was quick to point out the contract between the President's decisive action against the fly and his deference to foreign dictators, whether it be bowing to the Saudi king, exchanging gifts with anti-American thug Hugo Chavez, ignoring North Korean aggression, refusing to condemn a rigged election in Iran due to America's "history of meddling", or apologizing for America to Cuban tyrant Castro. "The President knows when to get tough," Emanuel told reporters.

However, PETA was quick to jump on the offense against the innocent animal, saying "We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals. We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich also sent a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher to the White House, so that the President of the United States can catch flies and safely release them outside.

An outraged mob quickly formed outside of the White House gates, demanding that the President be prosecuted for harming a fly. A spokesperson for the group told reporters that "Obama has done many things right. He poured trillions of dollars into liberal special interest groups to pay off those of us who got him elected. He nationalized huge industries and installed himself as head of GM. He increased the deficit to four times the size it had ever been. He granted rights to foreign terrorists usually reserved for US citizens. He put a tax cheat in charge of the IRS. Singlehandedly Obama has orchestrated the biggest move towards socialism in American history. But we can't overlook his treatment of a fly. How can we have equality if flies can arbitrarily be murdered. What has the left come to if insects no longer have more protection than unborn babies?"