Saving us all

Less than a day after President Obama claimed that his economic recovery plan is working, in spite of a higher-than-expected jump in unemployment, by claiming to have "saved or created 150,000 jobs", the President has also claimed victory for his little-known "Alien Abduction Prevention Program". The program, which beams radio signals into space carrying the dulcet tones of Obama's voice intoning calming platitudes and conciliatory pleas, is responsible for saving nearly three-hundred million Americans from being abducted by aliens, in the past month alone.

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel told reporters, "It just got us thinking. If you are a teacher or a police officer or a nurse and you have not been laid off, Obama gets the credit for saving your job. How many people have not been abducted by aliens? That's a lot of credit we can claim."

Since Obama rammed his massive stimulus bill through Congress with promises that it would prevent unemployment from reaching 8%, the economy has lost 1.6 million jobs and the unemployment rate soared to 9.4%.

Obama, who plans to save 600,000 more jobs in the next three months, is looking into other impressive-sounding but unmeasurable goals to set for his administration. Front runners include a plan to save a million polar bears from the horrors of global warming and a program to save three million Americans from buying American cars.

A Great Leap Forward

As fringe communist thugs Chavez and Castro joke that if they are not careful, they'll end up to the right of Obama, American media continue to report that President Barack Obama is governing from the middle. Many are left to wonder "the middle of what?"

White House spokesman Rahm Emanuel addressed those questions today when he announced that the President has positioned himself on the ideological spectrum somewhere between Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong. Emanuel assured reporters that "You will find Obama's Five Year Plan to be a Great Leap Forward."

Emanuel rebuffed assertions that Stalin and Mao were poor models for an American president by pointing out that Mao remains very popular in China, where criticizing him is punishable by death.

The administration is still deliberating on what Obama's title will be when he has completed remaking America, but they have narrowed the options to "Komrade Obama" and "Chairman Obama."

Pravda fills niche

Today Russian newspaper Pravda indicated a major shift in policy, abandoning their long-held role as the propaganda branch of the Soviet Socialist Party to fill a vacuum in American media by sounding the alarm at the loss of freedom, democracy, liberty, and capitalism.

A spokesman for the newspaper said that "We just couldn't continue to compete with dozens of American networks and newspapers who stole our schtick."

The first evidence of this dramatic change in editorial stance was a piece titled "American capitalism gone with a whimper."

The article started out with the observation that "It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American decent into Marxism is happening with breath taking speed, against the back drop of a passive, hapless sheeple, excuse me dear reader, I meant people."

The author then proceeds to mock the American people for "the surrender of their freedoms and souls, to the whims of their elites and betters" whose cause he traces to Americans being "dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system based on pop culture, rather then the classics."

He goes on to say that "The final collapse has come with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months has been truly impressive. His spending and money printing has been a record setting, not just in America's short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more then another year, and there is no sign that it will not, America at best will resemble the Wiemar Republic and at worst Zimbabwe."

In short, Pravda is doing the job that America's "free" media neglects by reporting Obama's sweeping transformation of American government and society into a far more oppressive regime than Russian oligarchs were ever able to achieve.

If anyone knows that Marxism is something you "descend into" it is Pravda.

Making policy

Senate Democrats voted to reject President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained the surprise decision, saying, “I would hope that a wise white man with the richness of his experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a Latina woman who has not lived that life. That wisdom, based solely on the color of our skin and the configuration of our chromosomes leads us to reject this nominee.”

When reporters questioned the racist overtones of Reid's remarks, Reid answered, "Of course it's not racist. We're Democrats."

Biden's prediction comes true

Vice President Joe Biden today claimed credit for his October 2008 prediction proving true.

On October 19, 2008 Biden said, "Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking."

Biden, who has been in charge of the "on the job training" of President Obama, points to North Korea's nuclear tests and missile launches as evidence that he was right in suggesting that Obama's weakness would provoke rogue nations to test him.

Biden, the smartest man to ever be VP, predicted that "It's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right" in Obama's response to this "generated crisis." As predicted, Obama's abject apology to Kim Yong-il brought loud protests from Americans who don't agree that "American aggression" is to blame for Korea's provocations.

Biden went on to predict that "No one will question the man's mettle." Today, Joe Biden, speaking from the doorway of his top-secret bunker in the Naval Observatory, told reporters that "Again I am right. There's no question that Obama's a pansy."

Obama attacks "Failed policies"

President Obama launched a campaign last week attacking "The Failed Policies of the Current Administration."

Obama harshly criticized his own budget, which more than quadruples the deficit and adds a staggering $10 billion to the national debt over ten years, as "Unsustainable": “We can’t keep on just borrowing from China.”

Obama said at a town-hall meeting in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, outside Albuquerque. “We have to pay interest on that debt, and that means we are mortgaging our children’s future with more and more debt.”

The President, repeating the objections of critics of his irresponsible runaway spending binge, predicted that, unless his policies are defeated, "Holders of U.S. debt will eventually get tired of buying it, causing interest rates on everything from auto loans to home mortgages to increase. It will have a dampening effect on our economy."

When C-Span host Steve Scully asked Obama when we would run out of money, the President responded that "Well, we are out of money now." Obama proceeded to explain why minor issues like fiscal responsibility should not stop us from launching huge new government bureaucracies that we can't afford.

Historians believe that this is the first instance of a sitting President throwing himself under the bus.

Setting our mind at ease

Attorney General Eric Holder tried to reassure worried lawmakers Thursday that no Guantanamo Bay detainees thought to be terrorists will be released into the United States.

"With regard to those who you would describe as terrorists, we would not bring them into this country and release them, anyone we would consider to be a terrorist," Holder said.

No word on whether "Overseas Contingency Operators" would qualify for release in American cities.

The Attorney General indicated that "many countries are eagerly lining up for their chance to adopt a detainee." Lawmakers were greatly relieved to hear that detainees at Gitmo would only be released in other countries, where our impenetrable border security would keep them out.