Making policy

Senate Democrats voted to reject President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained the surprise decision, saying, “I would hope that a wise white man with the richness of his experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a Latina woman who has not lived that life. That wisdom, based solely on the color of our skin and the configuration of our chromosomes leads us to reject this nominee.”

When reporters questioned the racist overtones of Reid's remarks, Reid answered, "Of course it's not racist. We're Democrats."

Biden's prediction comes true

Vice President Joe Biden today claimed credit for his October 2008 prediction proving true.

On October 19, 2008 Biden said, "Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking."

Biden, who has been in charge of the "on the job training" of President Obama, points to North Korea's nuclear tests and missile launches as evidence that he was right in suggesting that Obama's weakness would provoke rogue nations to test him.

Biden, the smartest man to ever be VP, predicted that "It's not gonna be apparent initially, it's not gonna be apparent that we're right" in Obama's response to this "generated crisis." As predicted, Obama's abject apology to Kim Yong-il brought loud protests from Americans who don't agree that "American aggression" is to blame for Korea's provocations.

Biden went on to predict that "No one will question the man's mettle." Today, Joe Biden, speaking from the doorway of his top-secret bunker in the Naval Observatory, told reporters that "Again I am right. There's no question that Obama's a pansy."

Obama attacks "Failed policies"

President Obama launched a campaign last week attacking "The Failed Policies of the Current Administration."

Obama harshly criticized his own budget, which more than quadruples the deficit and adds a staggering $10 billion to the national debt over ten years, as "Unsustainable": “We can’t keep on just borrowing from China.”

Obama said at a town-hall meeting in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, outside Albuquerque. “We have to pay interest on that debt, and that means we are mortgaging our children’s future with more and more debt.”

The President, repeating the objections of critics of his irresponsible runaway spending binge, predicted that, unless his policies are defeated, "Holders of U.S. debt will eventually get tired of buying it, causing interest rates on everything from auto loans to home mortgages to increase. It will have a dampening effect on our economy."

When C-Span host Steve Scully asked Obama when we would run out of money, the President responded that "Well, we are out of money now." Obama proceeded to explain why minor issues like fiscal responsibility should not stop us from launching huge new government bureaucracies that we can't afford.

Historians believe that this is the first instance of a sitting President throwing himself under the bus.

Setting our mind at ease

Attorney General Eric Holder tried to reassure worried lawmakers Thursday that no Guantanamo Bay detainees thought to be terrorists will be released into the United States.

"With regard to those who you would describe as terrorists, we would not bring them into this country and release them, anyone we would consider to be a terrorist," Holder said.

No word on whether "Overseas Contingency Operators" would qualify for release in American cities.

The Attorney General indicated that "many countries are eagerly lining up for their chance to adopt a detainee." Lawmakers were greatly relieved to hear that detainees at Gitmo would only be released in other countries, where our impenetrable border security would keep them out.

Enchanted

President Barack Obama held a press conference to mark the one hundredth day of his term in office, in which he lamented his recent discovery that "The President uh does not have eh a button he can...press to make uh bankers do what he uhhh...wants them to do." He can, however, push a button and fire the CEO of a private corporation.

Obama also expressed "disappointment that uh some people continue political posturing uh when uh I am here to...do the uh business of the uh people uh standing up for uh the little guy, uh just like Abraham Lincoln."

The President decried the "glacial rate at uh which Washington uh moves" citing the fact that it took him two months to double discretionary spending, quadruple the deficit, bypass every Constitutional check to his authority, apologize for America to all his tyrant buddies, spread panic through New York City, and accomplish the biggest power grab in American history.

The President, appearing disconcerted by the lack of a teleprompter, summed up his thoughts about the "Hallmark holiday" of his first one hundred days by saying, "Uh...I would uh like to ... enchanted... my first uh hundred ... days uh I was uh like to say ....that uh hope and change. Uh in that... enchanted... would not be uhhh our military men uh not exactly uh... magnificent, would be uh more like uh not the uh words I would uh choose. Uh somebody tell me what I think!"

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

Vice President Joe Biden confirmed the rumors swirling around Washington DC in recent weeks that "for several decades I have been practically running the Trilateral Commission."

Speculation has grown since it was revealed that Biden served as President Bush's unofficial advisor, spending endless hours setting the President straight with his vast knowledge and unsurpassed wisdom which produced gems such as "You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…I’m not joking!"

Suspicion grew yesterday when Biden took credit for Senator Arlen Specter switching parties, claiming that he had lobbied Specter "almost since childhood."

An unnamed media spokesman said, "Every event since World War II, when you start to examine it, you find Joe Biden's fingerprints all over it. Joe is the puppet master. We are all just dancing on his strings."

Rousing oratory

Larry Summers, President Obama's chief economic advisor, told a gathering of leaders from the financial sector that the economy remains groggy in spite of numerous attempts to rouse it from it's slumber. Summers said that the economy "needs a shot in the arm" in order to "awaken consumer activity and revive confidence in the equity and credit markets." He warned that it may take several months to pull the real estate and mortgage market out of it's "comatose state."